


way back into love

by londoneyedgirl



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Breaking Up & Making Up, Getting Back Together, Happy Ending, M/M, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, True Love, like that sort of love that's so beautiful and forever it can only be fictional, wow that sounds bitter lmao
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-02
Updated: 2018-03-02
Packaged: 2019-03-25 22:17:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 23,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13844154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/londoneyedgirl/pseuds/londoneyedgirl
Summary: It’s been six years. It’s not healthy to count, he knows, but he does it without noticing, does it as though it’s his default function. It’s as natural as breathing. It’s been six years since they parted.Sehun’s just turned twenty-six, now. There had been a party, and he spent it with bandmates and fellow artists who drank more than they could bear; and, for the first time in six years, Sehun wasn’t a part of them. While he could hear Chanyeol’s voice, among many others’, shouting “shots!” repeatedly, he’d sought silence in the further balcony of Baekhyun’s penthouse, closed the door behind him and welcomed the quiet sound of the cold wind that reached the highest spot of the building.It’d been six years since his birthday had last truly felt like a celebration of his life.





	way back into love

**Author's Note:**

> how poetic it is to finish the fic exactly a year after i started it? lmao although i'm finishing it past midnight so it's already 2nd of march, and i started writing it on march 1st, 2017. whatever  
> i've gone through so many things in this year. wrote over 20k of it and left it to rot. wrote it. hated it. stopped speaking to the person who mostly inspired this fic. had several mental breakdowns. but i could never forget this fic, could never leave it unfinished. i took quite the time to finish it, but here it is. it's no masterpiece, i can't tell if it's good or bad - i can't even tell whether i love it or hate it anymore. i don't know how i feel about it, but. oh well  
> i hope who reads this likes it. it's always been supposed to be a happy sorta story, to bring happiness and all that  
> ah this isn't beta'ed! sorry abt that. will get around to fixing mistakes soon, i think. maybe idk  
> title's from the song of the same name, "way back into love" from the soundtrack of music and lyrics (2007)

It’s been six years. It’s not healthy to count, he knows, but he does it without noticing, does it as though it’s his default function. It’s as natural as breathing. It’s been six years since they parted.

Sehun’s just turned twenty-six, now. There had been a party, and he spent it with bandmates and fellow artists who drank more than they could bear; and, for the first time in six years, Sehun wasn’t a part of them. While he could hear Chanyeol’s voice, among many others’, shouting “shots!” repeatedly, he’d sought silence in the further balcony of Baekhyun’s penthouse, closed the door behind him and welcomed the quiet sound of the cold wind that reached the highest spot of the building.

It’d been six years since his birthday had last truly felt like a celebration of his life.

Six years before, his birthday had been spent in a one-bedroom apartment, a thundering rain pouring outside and a homemade and slightly messy cake on his kitchen table. There was a bottle of expensive wine that stood out in the middle of the cheap apartment, but _his_ smile was mischievous enough that it explained everything. There were two numbered candles, too, one that said ‘2’ and another that said ‘0’. In the darkness, they were the only thing allowing visibility of Sehun’s blushing cheeks when Jongin had exclaimed “baby’s finally reached twenty!”.

“Stop calling me a baby.” Sehun had muttered after blowing the candles off, trying to hide the smile on his lips as Jongin flicked the lights on.

Jongin had just smiled at him with the fondest of looks before coming back to the table and leaning so he could cup Sehun’s chubby cheeks and press a kiss to Sehun’s forehead. “But aren’t you my baby?” And Sehun didn’t nod out of pride, but he knew he didn’t have to. Instead, he followed Jongin when his boyfriend leant back on his chair, sitting sideways on Jongin’s lap and burying his face into Jongin’s neck.

He knew he didn’t have to thank Jongin, but he did anyway, mumbled “thank you” into Jongin’s ear and felt Jongin’s arms tighten around his frame, heard him whisper back “I love you more than anything” with his lips pressed to Sehun’s hairline.

Sehun allowed himself to reminisce over those memories at the party for the first time in quite a while, and he hasn’t been able to stop ever since. That was six years ago, and no matter how hard he tries, he still hasn’t managed to be as happy as he had been then. He’s got money, success, friends who care, and beautiful people begging to be with him everywhere, and yet, the only thing that's missing is the one thing that could make him truly happy again.

-

They were young, so young. Sehun had always been full of dreams, idealistic, did things on a whim too many times to count. He wrote because until he was fifteen he had issues expressing himself one-on-one, scrambled to make sense when words had to leave his mouth, and writing was so much easier than talking. It wasn’t until he started listening to rock stars that he started dreaming of being one himself.

He meets Jongin when they’re sixteen. At first sight, Jongin was the most beautiful contradiction he had ever seen; later, Sehun would say he was the most beautiful person, period. He doesn’t think he could’ve escaped Jongin’s orbit even if he’d tried; the gravity of Jongin’s world pulled and pulled until he could no longer think, could no longer stay away.

Jongin had pink hair, back then. It was always either perfectly slicked back or completely messy, I-dare-you-to-complain-about-it style, and everything about him screamed _rebel_ except for his high grades. For a long while, Sehun convinced himself of the theory that what he felt was only idolization, only a wish to be half as effortlessly cool and different from the others as Jongin was. But he found himself staring too long at Jongin’s plump lips, at the way Jongin dared him to come closer when he stared from afar for it to be a simple platonic crush.

That theory died soon enough.

-

After a while, Sehun started to wish Jongin would just confront him, ask what his business was, anything. He’d clearly already noticed Sehun’s eyes on him, but despite his raised eyebrows and winks, Sehun still didn’t know where he stood with Jongin. Sehun had no clue whether Jongin actually wanted him to come closer or whether he was just vain enough to encourage more looks; the latter didn't seem very likely, especially when most of the school thirsted over him, but it made more sense to Sehun than the alternative.

The day it happens is the most random of them all and Sehun can’t even prepare for it.

He’s just going on his way, already dreading the walk home. It’s a quarter past two and he’s a bit hungry, but until he gets home, it’ll either have passed or he'll be able to eat a horse and two sandwiches. Considering that the sooner he goes home, the sooner his hunger will meet its end, Sehun starts making his way through the school's parking lot to the gates.

“Sehun.” It’s not a yell, only a strong, deep voice, and Sehun instantly halts, and turns in the direction of the sound, knees a bit trembling when he anticipates who it is. Who is he trying to kid, he's paid attention to every word said in that voice for about a month now, he knows who it is.

Jongin’s standing there, leaning against the side of his car as the wind blows and pushes his hair out of his face. The sun is reflecting beautiful on his pink locks, and Sehun can only think that he looks to beautiful to belong in such an ordinary place.

“Hey. Want a ride?”

Sehun tilts his head, and his bottom lip sticks out in both confusion and apprehension. He doesn't think that Jongin would beat him up for eyeing him so much, even more when he noticed that a week after Sehun started it, but Sehun’s still a bit worried. They’ve never even spoken before.

But something in him tells him to go.

“Yeah.”

“Nice.” Jongin’s smile is dazzling and the honesty that comes with it leaves Sehun a bit dumbfounded, but he gets into Jongin’s passenger seat easily, even though his heart is beating faster than usual and even though he's alone with Jongin in Jongin’s car.

Sehun doesn't live far from school, just three blocks away, but it’s a long walk when one’s hungry, so even if Jongin’s only giving this ride to tell Sehun to stop ogling him, he’ll still consider it a win.

They reach a stop light and Sehun’s absolutely sure that the silence they've been in since they left the school will persist, until it doesn't.

 

“I noticed you looking at me.”

Sehun knows that already. Knowing it, however, doesn't stop his blood from running cold.

“You did?” He asks, for no other reason other than to rearrange the thoughts in his head. “Why didn’t you talk to me, tell me stop, then?”

“Well.” Jongin grins softly and just on the right side of teasing, turning his head to look at Sehun. “I thought you would eventually talk to me. I _was_ going to wait a bit longer, but I got impatient.”

There's not a thought that goes through Sehun’s mind that could possibly be considered as a reply, so he remains quiet, eyes dropping to his hands on his lap.

“Where do I go from here?” Jongin asks, suddenly changing the subject, and Sehun is half-suspicious and half-grateful for that, so he lets it go as well.

Lifting his head, Sehun looks around. He locates himself, and then gives Jongin proper directions, Jongin’s hum of acknowledgement softly filling the air before they fall into a silence, and not an unpleasant one.

Jongin's just turning into Sehun’s street when he breaks the silence once again. “Besides, who says I want you to stop?”

Sehun turns wide-eyed at that, fully expecting Jongin to be making fun of him, to have a smirk on his face and to deny what he just said and call it a joke. He waits for it to happen, but nothing of the sort does. Instead, he gets Jongin giving him a small, nice smile.

Gulping, Sehun looked away and through the window. “Here’s me.”

The car stops swiftly and there's something under Sehun's skin, something making him just outright _bolt_ out of the car, but he doesn't. He takes a deep breath, carefully, and then lets all the air out.

He’s licking his lips before speaking when Jongin beats him to it. “Look.” Jongin starts, and then shakes his head, tilts it to the side, sinks his beautifully white teeth onto his plump bottom lip. “Do you wanna hang out sometime?”

Sehun finds himself nodding before Jongin’s finished the sentence, and his lips curl upwards instantly once he sees the lovely smile that appears on Jongin’s lips.

When Jongin leaves, it’s not only with Sehun’s number, but also, maybe, with a bit of Sehun’s heart.

-

They start hanging out together. Jongin starts texting Sehun, one day, in the middle of class, and convinces him to ditch it to go meet him in the football field - though the word 'convince’ is misused. Jongin only really had to ask him once before Sehun gave a second or two of thought to it and then he was faking an “extreme headache, I can't take it anymore” to the teacher.

The thing about Jongin, is that he's so much more than his looks. He’s funny, and he can be shy, and witty, and so, so clever. Talking to him comes easily. Sehun finds himself opening up easily to Jongin, and the feeling of acceptance and understanding that he gets from Jongin is so comforting. He tells Jongin about his dreams, about his songs - though at first he’s not very much into the idea of showing them to Jongin, after they hang out a few times, he knows it's only a matter of time before he does.

There’s a park somewhat near the school. Sehun used to go there all the time as a kid, but as he grew up he found harder and harder to go there. There wasn't really a particular reason as to why he liked it; it was truly just a peaceful place. It was calm, and when the weather was nice, he could spend the whole afternoon there, writing, having ice cream that's perfect for the weather, or just lazing around.

Sehun takes Jongin to the lake. Jongin’s moved into town recently - apparently his dad had just taken a new job there - and he knew close to nowhere there.

“No problem.” Sehun had given Jongin a small smile when he said that, and Jongin smiled back, and it was better than ice cream on a hot summer day.

Jongin likes the park, because it has a beautiful lake in a mostly hidden spot, and there are dogs playing around, their owners standing nearby.

And Sehun likes the park, he really does, but he thinks he likes seeing Jongin enjoy it even more.

They start spending time there. Not everyday, though; they hang out at the mall,and they go to the movies, and they skate together - well, Jongin skates and Sehun bikes, since Sehun can’t skate to save his life. Jongin shows Sehun his dancing, and they take to spending some time every once in a while with Sehun playing a bit of his own music and Jongin dancing to it.

Time passes in the blink of an eye, and, before he knows it, months have passed since he first met Jongin. Sehun barely feels it pass. All he can notice is Jongin and how close they’ve gotten.

He knows Jongin’s family, and Jongin knows his family. They constantly hang out at each other's place, and Sehun doesn't stop being amazed by Jongin. He’s got this different sense of a humor, and every once in a while he’ll let out a weird gag that will have Sehun choking on his own saliva and chuckling at the same time as he tries to breathe. And Jongin has this thing about him, that regardless of how strong he is, Sehun feels like protecting him. Sehun doesn't know what it is, but maybe it has something to do with how small Jongin looks next to him when they sit together, even though Jongin's only a couple of inches shorter than him.

One night, Sehun invites Jongin to sleep over - well, Sehun’s mother invites Jongin to stay over, after inviting him to stay for dinner, and not letting him go home so late. But it's not like Sehun’s complaining, not really. He spends a lot of his time lost in Jongin’s beautiful brown eyes, and his sultry voice, but that's okay. Jongin is pretty much his best friend, now. Best friends stay over. No big deal.

And it all goes the way it's supposed to go. For the most part.

They decide on sharing the bed, after Sehun refuses to let Jongin sleep on the air mattress on the floor, and Jongin refuses to take his place on the bed. They talk a lot, chat away for a bit about everything and nothing, and then they say their goodnights, each turning to opposite sides of the bed.

Sehun falls asleep, but he wakes up sometime in the middle of the night. It's still dark as pitch, seemingly at least two hours away from the sunrise, so he doesn't have a clue of what’s woken him up. He turns onto his other side, and notices the bed’s empty, but still warm. So, he probably woke up with Jongin getting up. Huh.

He doesn't let himself think about how he easily fell asleep with Jongin laying on the same bed as him, but woke up as soon as Jongin got up.

After a few moments, Sehun decides to go to the kitchen to get some water. He doesn't seem to fall back asleep, and Jongin hasn't come back yet, so he can both drink water and bring Jongin back.

He finds Jongin in the kitchen. He's got a glass of water between both of his hands, and he's sitting on one of the chairs, looking at Sehun as though he's been expecting him. Which doesn't surprise Sehun, considering he doesn't walk too quietly. “Hey.”

“Hey.” Comes Jongin’s quiet reply. Sehun can’t see Jongin’s face properly from where he is, but he can hear the smile in his voice, along with the hoarseness of sleep.

Sehun doesn't know for how long he stands there, and for what reason. There's something in the atmosphere, he thinks. He’s just there, silent, feet bare on the cold kitchen tiles, looking at where Jongin’s sitting. And then Jongin puts his glass on the counter and stands up. Jongin stands up, runs a hand through his hair, and starts walking towards Sehun.

For all that Sehun’s thought about kissing Jongin, Jongin’s kiss is nothing like he’d imagined. When he thought about them kissing, daydreamed in his bed and maybe jerked off to the idea, too, he’d thought Jongin’s kiss would be the lazy kind, the one that tastes like lack of interest and boredom. For the way that Jongin often moved his body, languid and like he couldn’t try less except when he was dancing, his kiss is nothing like that.

Jongin’s kiss is all-consuming. When he crowds Sehun against the entry to his kitchen, late at night, the room dark as pitch except for the moonlight creeping through the window, his lips are cold and his tongue is even colder, but the rest of his mouth is warm. 

It mostly makes sense. He’d been drinking water. Sehun likes his water cold. His lips feel nice.

It’s as though he’s just been caught in a life-threatening situation, as though he’s in the middle of a gunfire and his heart beats so loud he thinks he could get a headache from it alone. But Jongin, he’s… he’s a calming force as much as he is a fire igniter. He blows lukewarm air against Sehun’s lips, and Sehun can feel his smile. “Relax, Sehunnie.” And while Sehun does just that, Jongin’s hands finally, finally, rest on Sehun’s covered hips. The material of his shirt is thin enough that he can feel Jongin’s body heat radiating and Sehun can feel his brain battling, trying to decide whether to freak out or to just let go under Jongin’s hands.

It clearly decides for the latter.

Jongin’s lips are touching Sehun’s lips for a while now, faint but there, and then he leans in. His tongue licks over Sehun’s bottom lip, sucks it into his mouth and between his teeth and Sehun has half a mind to barely hold back a moan, a small thought about how his parents are sleeping upstairs and they could hear him.

Taking a step closer, Jongin presses his hipbones against Sehun’s, and their chests press together, both hearts beating fast and loud and not too far off each other’s rhythm. Sehun can only think about how glad he is that Jongin’s _feeling_ this, too, before said boy is letting an arm wrap around Sehun’s torso, the hand that’s still on Sehun’s hip only creeping a bit under the fabric of Sehun’s shirt, thumb pressing against the soft skin.

“Let’s go upstairs.” Sehun whispers as softly as possible, breathing a bit too heavy for him to continue whatever it is that they’re doing where they're doing it. Jongin only nods, intertwines their hands without hesitating, and drags Sehun up the stairs and into Sehun’s room with as much ease as one would be in their own home.

They close the door and, unlike Sehun had been expecting, Jongin doesn't instantly pounce on him. He’s almost disappointed, but then he looks at Jongin, and he just- can’t. Because Jongin’s looking at him with a bit of mischief and an overwhelming amount of fondness, and his hair is soft and falling in front of his eyes, and he’s just standing there, in Sehun’s room, with his hand in Sehun’s.

It hits him, then. It’s his time to make a move.

Their hands are still together when their lips meet again, falling beside their bodies as Jongin’s free hand is tangling into Sehun’s mess of a hair, and Sehun’s holding onto Jongin's waist for dear life. They kiss like they haven’t got a worry in the world, and maybe, right now, they actually don’t. This moment is like a song Sehun starts and doesn't quite know how it’ll end up, how it’ll finish, but he knows that he’ll like the outcome however it is.

They move to the bed after a while, but there’s no true intent of doing any more than that. Sehun’s pillow’s shared by both, and they lay on their sides, legs tangled, hands together. Sehun can see how red and a bit bruised Jongin’s lips look, and can only imagine that his look the same. He doesn't mind.

Eventually they come to a point in which they're just staring into each other’s eyes. Their eyelids are a bit heavy, but they fight sleep off, both silently and mutually afraid that when they wake up, they won’t have this anymore. But they have to sleep, at some point. 

Jongin leans in to peck Sehun on the lips, and when he pulls away, he finds Sehun’s eyes open, staring analytically at his face. “Date me.”

There’s silence for a while. A few seconds pass by and Sehun finds himself being the one thoroughly watched, now. He can almost feel Jongin’s look at him like a touch from Jongin’s hands, and the expectancy must be obvious on his face, but he wouldn’t be able to hide it even if he wanted to.

And then Jongin turns, lays on his back with his head facing away so Sehun can’t see his face. Sehun’s almost sure he’s said the wrong thing, until he can see the corner of Jongin’s lips lifting up. “And here I thought I'd have to be the one to pop the question.”

A small, surprised and maybe a little outraged giggle escapes Sehun’s mouth for a little while, and then for a little longer. When Sehun finally stops laughing, Jongin’s once again looking at him with the same fondness from earlier, and Sehun can feel his own face softening.

“You’re such a jerk.”

“Yeah, but now I’m _your_ jerk of a boyfriend.” Jongin points out, cheeky smile gracing his lips like it belongs there, and maybe it does. But then it slips away, is replaced by a small one, a tender one, and Sehun decides he likes it best - well, better than the cocky one. He's sure Jongin has many other smiles he still hasn’t seen and that he'll inadvertently fall for. He can't wait for that.

The smile he gives back is, almost exactly, the same fond smile Jongin’s been giving him all night.

-

They move out into a place of their own as soon as they graduate. It’s not a hard decision - they already knew they’d do that since a while ago. Sehun’s parents are okay with it, supportive of Sehun going after what he wants; Jongin’s, however, are quite the opposite. Jongin’s mom not so much, but his father goes as far as to threaten to disinherit Jongin to try and disencourage him. Jongin doesn’t budge, however. His father doesn’t follow through with his threat, but when Jongin leaves, they aren’t in good terms.

They find this tiny apartment by the center of Seoul that fits in their budget. Sehun has money saved from summer work, and Jongin from his allowance, and they rent it. It’s not their dream coming true, not yet; but when Jongin reaches for Sehun’s hand and intertwines their fingers, when Sehun presses a kiss to Jongin’s temple and they hold each other in a place that’s _theirs_ , where they are free to do whatever they want, whenever they want… Their dream isn’t coming true, but it feels like it’s starting to.

_

When they're fucking, it very nearly feels like they're about to catch fire.

Jongin’s all about touch, then, and Sehun’s all about words. While Sehun whines and moans at him to go harder, kiss him already, fuck him like he means it, Jongin’s hands are splayed and feeling down Sehun’s back, slow enough to be teasing but too wanting to be what it is as well. Jongin wraps an arm tight around Sehun’s small waist, takes a hold of one of Sehun’s asscheeks with his free hand and fucks up into Sehun like he wants to carve himself into him, as though if he does it fast and hard and _deep_ enough they’ll stay that way forever and never part.

When Sehun comes, he's got both hands tangled into Jongin’s hair, grip tight as though his life depends on it. And maybe it does. In that very moment, when Sehun's got every bit of his naked skin pressed against the naked skin of the man he loves, maybe all that matters is that moment, is being with Jongin and reaching their release together.

-

Reality catches up to them sooner than they expect, though.

“That ramen doesn’t look very… eatable.” Jongin sounds only slightly grossed out, mostly playful as he drops his coat on the arm of the couch and drops himself next to Sehun. Sehun doesn’t blame him, not when he’s the one who’s staring suspiciously at the bowl of ramen on the small living room table.

“I don’t think it _is_ eatable.” Sehun replies, tilting his head and squinting his eyes at the thing in front of him. Beside him, Jongin tilts his head and squints his eyes in the same way he was doing it, and says nothing.

A few seconds of silence passes by until Jongin throws an arm over his boyfriend’s shoulders and pulls him closer. “Wanna get take out?” He presses the words to the top of Sehun’s head, right where his dark hair is already growing and trying to claim back the place the current blond dye has taken. They don’t mention how their budget have been getting tighter and tighter ever since the store Sehun used to work at from noon to night closed.

They think about it, but they don’t have to say it. Sehun wants to say no, because he knows, he knows it all, they stress over bills every once in a week, sometimes more, but he doesn’t. “Yeah.” His words come out quiet and slow, like if he draws it out he’ll have enough time to back off and they’ll have disgusting and expired ramen for dinner for the third night in a row. But he doesn’t back off, because he thinks they deserve this, at least once, just this once. He doesn’t say that either, but he doesn’t have to.

Jongin simply nods and smiles, crinkles by his eyes and all. Some days, that smile is the only thing that gives Sehun strength and motivation. “Okay.” He doesn’t move away from Sehun; instead, keeps him there, Sehun’s head pillowed by his chest, and he gets his phone from his back pocket. “Do you remember the number from that take-out place we always order from? I never do.” He really doesn’t, but Sehun does, and he says it idly, thinking about how Jongin’s hair is getting long again, quite like Sehun likes it, which doesn’t mean much anyway, because he likes Jongin in any way he looks. 

He cups Jongin’s cheek with a hand, thumb brushing Jongin’s cheekbones as his fingertips touched the short hairs on Jongin’s nape. Jongin hums at his touch, and Sehun’s hand slowly slides down Jongin’s neck to his collarbone, and then his chest, until it’s settling comfortably on Jongin’s waist, arm thrown lazily over his stomach. He lays his head back onto Jongin’s chest, listens to the smooth, comfortable rumble of his voice mixed with his heartbeats, and tells himself that they’ll be alright. 

-

But they aren’t alright.

Sehun doesn’t quite know how it happens, not really. It’s not like there were many fights that culminated into that big one that ended things. Jongin and him, they fought, alright, but it was something they considered more like bickering than anything else. They fought about small things, like getting home in a day Jongin hadn’t worked to find the dishes still dirty, or arguing about leaving shoes - mostly Sehun - by the door, piling them up. That sort of fight never lasted, though, because they were always either too tired or too sympathetic with each other.

But they’re getting more indebted than they expected. They still do gigs here and there, and they’re regulars in at least two places, but, after a month, Sehun still hasn’t found a job to replace the music store one, and Jongin’s already taking too many extra shifts and teaching more dance classes.

So, maybe, something in the back of his head had already noticed that things would end soon.

It starts when Jongin stops getting home so late. “Mihawk had to cut down on some classes.” he says it, but he doesn’t seem worried in the least. He still teaches regularly, and money’s still coming in, so Sehun doesn't really pay much mind to it. He’s also working and writing most of the time, anyway, so maybe that’s why it takes him so long.

Jongin's lack of worry is the second sign, associated to a third: their bills started actually getting paid in the correct period of time. Sehun would usually actually be glad for that, but it just doesn't add up. Miracles don't actually happen, and money just doesn't fall from the sky and pays their overdue bills. He can't help but have suspicions.

Those suspicions persist for the following couple of months, but his thoughts on them decrease significatively, at the same time his happiness does the opposite. Jongin spends more time at home, and looks actually happy most of the time, instead of just physically drained. Jongin keeps telling Sehun not to overwork himself, suggests that he drop one of his jobs. They go out on weekends; they get to rehearse with the band more often. And if Sehun catches Jongin looking a little bit too stressed sometimes, a little bit too anxious - well, Sehun just assumes it has something to do with their bills.

In a way, he isn't wrong.

One day, on one of the rare days Sehun gets home before Jongin, there’s a letter for them in the mail. In a poised sort of handwriting, there is Jongin’s and Sehun’s names on it, and on the other side there’s Jongin’s father’s name. Sehun frowns; it’s not often that Jongin’s family contacts them, but it’s not weird either. The weird thing is that it’s also addressed to him - it’s usually only addressed to Jongin.

Sehun ponders for a few moments whether to open it. Jongin will be coming home soon, and he knows it, but he also doesn’t think there’s much issue in opening the letter without him. Besides, it is also addressed to him, and if he opens it before and it’s another passive-aggressive, nearly offensive letter - like they’ve gotten before from Jongin’s father a few times - Jongin won’t have to go through it and Sehun can give him the overall gist of it. The thought of sparing Jongin from that sad look he gets in his eyes when Jongin’s father writes, half attempting to manipulate him into coming back home for his mother and half calling him all sorts of things for not doing what his family wants him to do, is what convinces Sehun to open the letter without Jongin.

Now, Sehun doesn’t like Jongin’s father. He adores Jongin’s mother, and he’s fairly sure she likes him, too, but Jongin’s father isn’t the best of people. He wouldn’t call Jongin’s father a liar, but he was a manipulator, a businessman in essence, and Sehun wouldn’t be surprised if he attempted to bring Jongin home by breaking Sehun and Jongin up - he attempted it, once, but that’s what it had been: an attempt, and a poor one at that. After that, Sehun didn’t think that he would try it again.

With that being said, when Sehun opens the letter, he can’t help but feel his mind going in that direction, the only possible explanation for what he was reading. Surely the only way he could be reading this would be if Jongin’s father was attempting to separate them again; the only alternative would be that all of this that he was reading, that Jongin had been getting money from his parents, that Jongin’s father sincerely expected him to come back home soon - none of that could be real. So, the only way to understand this was that it was all a lie.

Sehun tries to believe that. He maybe would even have managed to, if there wasn’t a receipt sent with the letter, corroborating all of Jongin’s father’s words.

Sehun’s hands shake as he reads and rereads and checks and rechecks the receipt. Tries to find another explanation; fails. Tries to work with it, tries to see Jongin’s side; ends up getting angrier and angrier.

By the time Jongin arrives home from his work, Sehun’s barely got his anger under wraps. He’s red, flushing red from anger. His eyes are trained on the receipt and letter he leaves on the table in front of him, but he looks at Jongin in time to see the blood drain from his face when he understands what it all means - the letter, and Sehun’s silence and angry features. He’s a smart boy, fast on the uptake. He reaches understanding way faster than Sehun had realized the truth.

It’s an ugly argument. They’ve never fought like this; in comparison to it, their previous fights hadn’t been fights at all. There’s no screaming, only controlled spiteful words thrown at each other, resentment and repressed anger spilling from every word, every breath, and it’s somehow scarier and more painful than if they’d shouted and yelled at each other.

They’re tired, and they’re hurt, and there’s so much piling up. Sehun knows, in the back of his mind, that this could be solved easily, could be discussed calmly, but he’s so _tired_. He has the right to be angry - Jongin’s gone behind his back, and hid things from him, and nothing’s been going the way they wanted things to go. So he doesn’t pay attention to the sensible, rational part of his mind. He _can’t_. He’s so tired.

“I’m done.” Sehun’s only aware that he’s the one who says it when he realizes Jongin’s mouth had been letting out other words. “This- this is done. We’re done.” He barely registers anything from then on - tired, so tired - and he turns around, walks back into their room, hands brushing away the angry tears leaving his eyes, and stays there. Falls asleep.

When Sehun gets home from work in the next day, Jongin’s gone.

There's a note on the fridge, small, like it’s been ripped off a page in a haste. Sehun wonders for how long Jongin had been wanting to run away.

_I’m sorry. I love you, and I’m sorry._

Attached to the note there's the receipt Sehun had shoved into Jongin’s face. The money Sehun had seen earlier, all there. The message is clear.

Sehun doesn't want that money, though. He doesn't touch the note or the receipt. He leaves it there. Walks to his room and closes the door behind him, and goes to sleep without eating because what he has for dinner are leftovers of the lunch Jongin had made for them the day before.

He throws the leftovers away on the next morning. He doesn't spare a look at what’s still on the fridge door.

-

The first few days are the worst. Sehun still drags himself out of bed, showers, goes to work. It doesn't matter that he has money to live comfortably for a year or two. In some ways, he feels unsettled with the money, and his mind is filled with bitter and angry thoughts, but they're tangled with how much he misses Jongin and it hurts. Jongin wasn't one to speak loudly, or constantly make noises or listen to music on the max, but his absence is so painfully noticed in every second that Sehun’s at home, he can't stay for much longer.

For a week or two, he doesn't step into their - his - apartment. Chanyeol’s floor is the one he's most acquainted with, for about ten minutes every night before Chanyeol’s telling him to lay on the bed with him. Chanyeol doesn't ever ask him to leave, and Sehun is thankful to have a friend like that.

He goes to Yixing’s, too. That's when he meets Baekhyun, a friend of Yixing’s that sings sometimes at one of the bars they do, too. Sehun spends many free evenings there, and decides Yixing’s worried hovering and Baekhyun’s curious and excited chatter is better than the silence and loneliness that takes over his place.

Sehun doesn't tell any of them what happened between him and Jongin. He only says they've broken up, and he leaves it at that, and the boys don’t argue. He thinks it has something to do with the bags under his eyes, and how miserable he most likely looks. He doesn't look at himself in the mirror.

After two weeks, Sehun still can't spend a full day in the apartment, but he can at least sleep there. Some days are harder than others, though. Once he washes his sheets three times until they no longer smell like Jongin. Another time, he stumbles across a shirt Jongin forgot and he buries his face in it, cries so much on it that he has to wash it. And then it doesn't smell much like Jongin anymore. He finds himself at a loss to whether that was a good thing or a bad thing.

But he manages. There's still so much resentment in him, and he hates Jongin, he really does. He hates Jongin for going behind his back, he hates Jongin for giving up, hates Jongin for leaving- there's so much anger in him, he thinks he's gonna have to burst at some point.

And he does. In one full day and night he writes four songs and he eats maybe once through it all. He doesn't dare touch the alcohol through it, though. Sehun’s got enough of his sanity to be aware of his escapist personality.

Months pass and it gets easier. Chanyeol stops worrying too much after a while. Yixing does, too, but for a few more months he still texts Sehun every night to make sure he's okay. Sehun doesn't know what he did to deserve such amazing friends, but he's thankful.

Other than Chanyeol and Yixing (and Baekhyun, who soon took the vocals in their band), he isolates himself. After staring every single day at the receipt of the money Jongin left in their - _Sehun’s_ \- apartment, Sehun decides to use it. He starts it out of spite. It's there, no one’s gonna use it, he should just spend Jongin’s money. Isn't that what he wanted?

Sehun quits his work and spends his days at home. He writes and he writes and he writes some more. Jongin’s voice still echoes in his head and he wants to forget it, wants to forget the deep sound it had, the way tenderness rolled off his tongue and into Sehun’s heart. He wants to forget it as much as he wants to keep it forever, and he's never been so confused. He just keeps on writing.

He doesn't touch the recordings he has of the band with Jongin’s voice. He doesn't dare.

When he shows the rest of the crew what he has, the worry in Yixing and Chanyeol’s eyes are blatant, but he can tell they're impressed. Baekhyun gapes when he finishes playing the first song, and Sehun can relate. He was as surprised as them when he turned a critical eye onto his work. That's gotta be his best yet.

(“Those are beautiful.” Chanyeol tells him, later. Yixing and Baekhyun went to the Thai restaurant just down the street of the place Chanyeol and Yixing share to get them food, so they're alone. “I’m worried, though.”

“Don't be.”

Chanyeol seemed to already expect Sehun’s words, and he shakes his head. “You should know-” Chanyeol starts, and then seems to think better, like he's rephrasing whatever he wants to say. “You should know that you're not alone. You're not alone in this.”

That makes Sehun think. Sometimes he’s sure Chanyeol’s been keeping contact with Jongin, which makes sense, since they were all friends anyway. But Chanyeol never seems flustered when he's on the phone and Sehun’s nearby, nor does he even mention Jongin, so Sehun lets it go. He wonders if Chanyeol is talking about Jongin, now, instead of about himself, Yixing and Baekhyun. He shrugs it off soon enough, though. Not for doubting it, but for not letting himself think about it. He doesn't want to think about Jongin more than he needs to. He’s not that much of a masochist.

“Thanks, Yeollie.” He says, and leans his head on Chanyeol’s shoulder. “I know.”)

-

It's a year and a few months after Jongin left - Sehun _didn't_ _count_ \- that Chanyeol gets them an audition. He's all jittery when he's telling the group about it, bouncing on the balls of his feet, and he can be like that about simple things, but the combination of it with the giddy, nearly manic smile on his face makes it that much more important.

Sehun doesn't feel truly nervous until the day comes. His nervousness is subtle, made of the low sound of his tapping foot and the chewing of his lower lip as they wait outside to get called into the audition room.

But when he steps into it, it all goes away. It vanishes. He watches Chanyeol take his place with the drums, and Yixing take the bass. Sehun himself moves on the automatic, takes his guitar, lets it hang off him. He watches Baekhyun completely at ease on his spot, and, for some reason, Sehun knows they're gonna get this. This is it.

They play an oldie of Sehun’s. They've never tried it in auditions, only sang it at gigs four times, maybe five times before - and only three had been with Jongin -, but when Baekhyun had first listened to Yixing playing a bit of it, he'd taken such big liking to it that they let themselves be convinced to use it as their audition song.

Sehun lets it take over him. Chanyeol starts with the drums, and he follows suit. The bass is only subtle at first, and when Baekhyun starts singing, Yixing starts playing. 

Listening to Baekhyun singing this song is different. It isn't worse than Jongin, or better; it's just… different. The problem isn’t Baekhyun’s voice, not really. The problem’s that those words should leave Jongin’s mouth, those words were written to be sung by Jongin. It isn't the same when it’s someone else’s voice. 

Sometimes, when Baekhyun sings songs that Jongin had sung before, it feels like they're completely different songs. But right now, right in this moment, Sehun feels like, if he closes his eyes, he’ll be back in the garage they still rehearse in, and Jongin is right there, beside him. He feels like he can pretend Jongin’s there, and he plays the whole song with his eyes closed, only dares to open them when the last chord is played.

Anything from then on is a blur. They're nervous, and they don't get nothing from the people who had been listening to them, and they're told to wait outside. It could be an hour, it could be ten minutes, it could be a second until a man whose name Sehun doesn't catch, but who had surely been there watching them, comes out and talks to them.

The label wants them. “Come again?” Sehun asks, voice a little hoarse, hands trembling.

“You guys are exactly what we’ve been looking for for the past year.” The man says with a wide smile, one of those that only rich businessmen have when they know they've hit the jackpot have. “Where have you been all this time?”

 _Right here_ , Sehun wants to reply, wants to scream. His hands are still shaking, and he can feel his lips trembling. Yixing’s clutching at him, and soon he's got his face buried into Yixing’s shoulders, Yixing’s arms wrapped tight around his slim frame. He can barely believe it. He holds onto Yixing, doesn't let go, waits for the other two to hug them instead. He's scared that if he opens his eyes, if he lets go, it’ll all be a dream, and that would absolutely crush him. He's had this exact dream so many times before already.

But it's not a dream. Chanyeol says that it's real, says that they're gonna get signed so many times, Sehun starts to carelessly believe it. He's choking on his giggles, and Baekhyun is chuckling at Sehun’s happy giggling, and they're all laughing so much he thinks he's gonna cry. Because they've made it.

They go to a party at night, and Sehun downs every shot that comes his way. Chanyeol pats his back, and messes Baekhyun’s hair up. And they get so drunk so fast Sehun wonders if this is how teenagers feel at their first party with alcohol.

He feels so good, and there are so many good looking people looking at him, and he considers walking up to them, buying them a drink, or letting them buy him one. He considers taking them home and fucking them wherever, on the nearest surface they’d find.

In the end, Sehun ends up nearly running to the bathroom, the urge to throw up hitting so strongly he barely has time to let his bandmates know before he’s on his feet. He wasn’t expecting to get like this so fast, but knowing how much he’d drunk made sense. The fact that he hadn’t drunk as much as tonight in quite a while didn’t help, either.

When he’s done throwing up, he collects the rest of his dignity from the floor on which he was kneeling and flushes the toilet, walking out just to find Chanyeol, leaning back against the sink with worried eyes, his arms crossed in front of his chest. A flashback hits him, of Jongin in that exact position, when they had just moved in together and started enjoying their adulthood. Sehun wants to cry.

“Are you okay?” Chanyeol asks, bringing a hand to rest on his shoulder, and it’s only then that Sehun realizes he’s already crying.

Sehun stops by the sink near Chanyeol, throws water on his face and a bit into his mouth, too, to rinse out the bitter taste in it.

His hair is getting long, he notices. A larger amount of hair than usual is sticking to his forehead, and with his wet hands he pushes it back, tries to make it look even slightly put together. Fails.

“I miss him.” And to him it feels like the whole world has stopped, now that the words were spilled out of his mouth, but he knows life is going on as it always is. The reminder that time doesn't stop, move forward or backwards for anyone does nothing but make him cry harder. “It's been over a year - three-hundred and sixty-five days, god knows how many weeks, over twelve months. Over a whole fucking year, and he's still in my mind.” Sehun's hands are shaky and so is his voice, and when he tries to project his voice louder so he’ll be heard, he gives it up in favor of swallowing the lump inside his throat.

He feels Chanyeol coming closer. Quietly, Chanyeol takes Sehun’s hands in his and turns on the water of the sink, washes Sehun’s hands like one would wash a child’s. “It's normal, you know.” His voice is firm and close to Sehun’s ear, and Sehun focuses on it because the alternative of listening to his own thoughts is significantly worse. “You’ve been together for a long time. This is something you had been dreaming of for a long time, and to wish for his presence right now… it's okay.” And a violent sob escapes Sehun’s body and suddenly he's burying his face on Chanyeol’s shoulder. “You can cry, it's okay.” He repeats it into Sehun's ear, and it's the closest thing Sehun has to familiarity, to comfort, to something even remotely connected to Jongin that he has right now, so he takes it, and he cries.

He loses track of time, but it must have only been minutes when he pulls away. His face is puffy, red and ugly, but his chest feels at least a bit lighter than before, so Sehun thinks he should be fine. “Thanks.”

“Don't mention it.” Chanyeol shrugs, and the shortest of smiles is on his face, but his dimple still shows. “Now let's get you home.”

“No, don't worry.” Sehun shakes his head and instantly regrets it when it hurts. “I’ll be alright. You go back out there, celebrate for the both of us.”

Chanyeol reaches for Sehun's hand to pull him closer, and wraps an arm around his torso. “I’m good. I’m getting tired anyway.” And Sehun doesn't feel like it's the whole truth, but it's not a whole lie either. Besides, Chanyeol doesn't seem to be leaving room for discussion, so Sehun just nods and follows Chanyeol out of the bathroom.

He heads outside to both wait for a cab and get a breath of fresh air first, while Chanyeol stayed back to talk to the other guys. Sehun doesn't have to wait long, though. Chanyeol walks out only a few minutes later, hands tucked comfortably into the pockets of his jeans, and they wait together in companionable silence.

It's been a while since they've gotten there when Chanyeol breaks the quiet mood. “I like Baekhyun.”

Sehun looks down at his feet and smiles, holding back the need to roll his eyes so his head won't hurt like it's been threatening to. “I know.” And then he's looking at Chanyeol, knowing grin in place. “It's pretty obvious.”

Chanyeol pouts at that, but laughs right away, nodding. A cab is seen coming their way and Sehun waves at it, waiting for it to stop in front of them.

It's only when they're sitting in the back of the cab on their way to Sehun’s place that Chanyeol speaks again. “I’m gonna date him, you'll see.”

At that, Sehun giggles, resting his head against the window. “Of course I’ll see it. He's in love with your sorry ass, god knows why.” And then he looks at Chanyeol, playful grin on his face, and he moves closer to him, drops his head on Chanyeol's shoulder.

Chanyeol's the best friend he could ever wish for, and although he doubts it'll happen, if Baekhyun breaks Chanyeol's heart, Sehun's ready to fight him.

-

The good thing about _'finally’_ surrendering to his father’s demands, Jongin often mused, was still being able to dance. So few good things had remained in his life _after_ , and dancing is one of them.

Taemin dances, too. It’s what got them closer in the first place, when they met late in the studio near campus. Jongin had been there for most likely a couple of hours already, stress gradually leaving his body as he danced it away, when he saw in the mirror someone standing by the door of the studio.

Instead of leaving or at least faking shame for being caught watching Jongin secretly, Taemin had simply smiled in a mix of surprise and delight in his face as he walked up to Jongin. “You’re amazing! And I don’t just say that to anyone, so please don’t act like you don’t know you're good.”

Jongin had gaped at him for all of two seconds before he half-heartedly shook his head. Later, they’d become enough of good friends that he’d know that that was the normal effect Taemin had on people. “Thanks, I guess.”

Without asking or saying much else, really, Taemin dropped the bag he had hanging on his shoulder on the corner of the room and walked back to Jongin, Jongin following him with his eyes.

“What are we dancing to?” Taemin had looked at him with wide eyes, an excited smile on his face, and Jongin didn’t quite know how to react. Until then, he hadn’t made many acquaintances in college that weren’t either just for class studies or interested in his family’s business, so he didn’t really know what to do.

He only shrugged and replied “Anything.”

Taemin had walked to the radio sitting near them, and skipped a few tracks until he found one that made his face light up. He came back to Jongin’s side and they looked at each other through the mirror in front of them. Jongin attempted a smile. “My name’s Taemin, by the way.”

“Jongin. Nice to meet you, Taemin.” At that, Taemin had smiled a little wider, black hair a cool contrast with his pale skin, and then he nodded.

“Likewise.”

Taemin is, without question, the best friend Jongin makes at university. He would know. He didn't have any when they met.

The moment Jongin knows Taemin is truly his friend comes about six months into their friendship. They had quickly found out they were in the same course, although in different years - Taemin was two years ahead of Jongin - and they often studied together, even if their subjects were different. For all that Taemin liked to talk, he could be incredibly focused in dancing and cramming for exams. But the place they mostly hang out, when there's no studying to be done, is the dancing studio.

On this very day, Taemin didn’t see Jongin at all. He'd had a presentation early, and it’s only 8pm, two hours past the time they usually meet, that he arrives at the studio.

There’s no music playing, so Taemin wonders if maybe Jongin hasn't gone home already. But once he checks his phone as he moves into the building, there's no text from Jongin to suggest so, so he continues.

He doesn't see Jongin at first. The place seems quiet, too. And then a few seconds pass, and a small sob is heard. “Jongin?”

“Taemin?” Jongin’s voice breaks at the end and something tugs at Taemin’s heart in an uncomfortable way. For all the time he’s known Jongin, he's never showed any sort of vulnerability, even if Taemin’s already showed him all of his. This isn't something Taemin would expect, and he worries.

He finds Jongin in the corner on the same side of the door in the studio. Taemin doesn’t move fast; instead, he moves slowly, softly placing a foot in front of the other as he approaches Jongin. It’s oddly uncharacteristic to see Jongin the way he is, and Taemin slides to sit down on the floor beside Jongin with a heavy heart, his back to the cold studio mirror.

Jongin’s all red. His eyes are puffy, cheeks seeming sticky from dried tears, and his lips look like they’ve been bitten on aggressively. Placing an arm around Jongin’s shoulder, Taemin pulls him into his arms, and he can feel when Jongin’s soft sobs turn into hard ones, shaking his whole body against Taemin's.

“Tae, he was my everything. He still is.”

Taemin hasn't got a clue of what Jongin’s talking about, but he rubs his hands on Jongin’s arms in a soothing way. He settles Jongin between his legs, Jongin’s back to his chest, and wraps his arms around Jongin's torso carefully, letting Jongin cry as much as he needed, but also making sure he knows he's not alone.

Jongin cries and cries; he cries until it barely hurts anymore, cries until the pain is only faint, and he breathes heavily, because he know that relieving sensation is simply fleeting. And then he turns his body a bit to Taemin, but keeps his head low. “I wanna go home.” He says, and Taemin can't say no.

Taemin takes Jongin to his place. In that very same night, after Jongin showers and changes into one of Taemin’s bigger sweatpants and t-shirt, Jongin tells him everything. Clutching a mug of tea in both of his hands, Jongin sits on the edge of Taemin's bed cross-legged, eyes on the source of warmth in front of him, but he never loses his focus.

He tells of a love that burned too fast, and that could have burned forever, but instead blew out. Taemin can't tell if it’s the way Jongin has with words, or if it's the rawness to his voice, or if it’s all on the sadness of his story, but Taemin can feel something breaking inside him, especially when he sees how small Jongin looks.

Taemin wonders what kind of man would have deserved Jongin, and how could they end up like this, when Jongin clearly still loved him, and he can only assume that the other person still loves Jongin. They’d be crazy not to.

Jongin finishes his tea and Taemin takes it back to the kitchen along with his own mug. When he comes back, Jongin's lying on the bed, eyes closed but yet to fall asleep. Once Taemin gets on the bed, Jongin motions for him to come closer, and he lays behind Jongin, an arm wrapped around his middle.

Yes, it'd be crazy not to love Jongin. Whether it’s romantically or platonically, everyone ends up loving Jongin, and Taemin’s no different.

They fall asleep like that, and in the morning, when Jongin makes his way to the kitchen, looking sleepy-eyed and his hair being a disarray, Taemin doesn’t mention anything to Jongin. He simply pushes a cup of hot chocolate in his direction along with a few chocolate and vanilla muffins, and smiles.

“Thank you.” Jongin looks at him, thoughtful, but tenderly and thankful, and Taemin knows he’s not just talking about the morning treats.

“You’re welcome.”

Jongin doesn’t bring it up again in the following months. Time passes, sometimes so slow Taemin thinks they’re living in slow-mo, sometimes so fast he worries about having to run to catch up to the day. Time goes by, the way it does. Taemin sees Jongin getting better, interacting more, and being more open with friends. He laughs, wide and excited, and chirps Kyungsoo when they’re studying in the library, making the older boy glare at him, even if Taemin - and everyone else - knows how fond Kyungsoo and all the others are of Jongin.

But there's nothing Taemin can do in those moments in which Jongin loses himself in his own thoughts, staring at the vacant air for a couple of minutes before snapping back into reality; there’s nothing Taemin can do when Jongin turns with a smile to say something to someone until he notices that that someone isn't there. All Taemin can do is wait for Jongin to get better, and help him heal.

-

On the day of the funeral of Jongin’s father, it doesn't rain - it pours. The raindrops seem fatter than usual, and they have sympathy for no one's umbrellas, much less for Jongin’s.

Jongin doesn't cry at the funeral. There's a part of him that tells him that it's because he has to show that he's strong, that he can take his father’s company and be a good leader; but another part of him tells him that he still hasn't forgiven his father for being so strict and cold and harsh towards him, and that part makes him ashamed. Jongin is an adult, and his father is dead. Resentment will take him nowhere.

But he can't change how he feels. He only stares straight ahead, at nothing in particular, and tries to sort out whether he's feeling _everything_ or nothing at all.

He holds his mother with care. She has no interest in his father's business, so it’s on Jongin to work with it, now. He doesn't blame her. If he could, he'd do the same.

They leave the funeral a while after it ends, staying only long enough to thank most of the people attending for their sentiments. Taemin is a silent, comfortable constant, and he stays even after all his other friends already left. It’s Taemin that will, at least at first, show him the ropes of being a CEO, being one himself.

Taemin’s also the one who sees Jongin break down in the car after they drop Jongin's mom off. The driver has the partition rolled up for privacy, and Jongin’s thankful for that, because he can't bear another person seeing him crying like that.

When they get to Jongin’s apartment, there's a bouquet of white lilies sitting by his doorstep. Jongin crouches down to get it, and looks for a note while Taemin opens the door for him with the key he asked for earlier.

The note Jongin finds is medium-sized and white. It's simple, written in an unfamiliar handwriting, but when he sees how it’s signed, something feels heavy on his chest and he thinks he can't breathe for a couple of seconds.

Jongin must make some sort of noise, because Taemin's by his side in seconds. “Jonginnie, are you okay?” He asks, and then instantly frowns at himself. “I mean-”

Jongin only shakes his head. “Don’t worry.” His voice is a bit weird, and maybe it has something to do with the sobs he wants to let out but is keeping in, but he manages a broken smile, anyway.

It doesn't fool Taemin, but he doesn't say much. That's one of Jongin's favorite things about Taemin: he's almost always loud and talkative, but he's so subtle, too; quietly notices everything, and then he adapts. Taemin knows him, knows that Jongin doesn't need him to coddle him now. He only needs his friend to be what he is: his friend.

He showers and puts something comfortable on as Taemin makes him tea. It’s the best comfort drink, he always says, and Jongin doesn't have much of an opinion on it anyway, so he doesn't disagree. He holds the cup with both of his hands once it's not too hot, and he'd feel like a living and breathing cliché, watching the rain fall through the window glass, but he's too busy, thinking about the flowers, the note, those words and, most importantly, its sender.

Taemin stays with him until the evening. By his worried looks, Jongin can tell he doesn't really want to leave, but knows he has to give Jongin some space. Jongin won't deny it. He doesn't want to be with other people now.

Taemin shrugs on his coat that's by the door and buries his hands into the pockets of his pants. He's hesitant to leave, but Jongin gives him a reassuring smile and a nod and Taemin leans into his embrace. Tells him to call if he needs anything.

Jongin most likely will. Not tonight, though. Now he needs to be alone.

Taemin’s hand is on the doorknob when he turns and looks at Jongin curiously. “So, who sent the flowers?”

Jongin turns his eyes to the lilies that are currently in the vase full of water in which Taemin put them. He ponders over what to reply. “An old friend.” Is what he feels is the most fitting answer.

“Huh.” That's all Taemin says, and then he gives him a small, sad smile, and goes on his way. Jongin doesn't see it. He keeps staring in the direction of the flowers, but he's not really looking at them. His thoughts have taken him far away.

_“You must remember what you once had,_

_What you still are,_

_And you must hold onto that.”_

_I’m sorry._

_\- S_

-

(Sehun sees Jongin on the news on the next day. It’s a picture of him at the funeral. His hair is slicked back, dark and thick. He looks like a mature man. Strong. He looks like someone who has to do something and will do it, regardless of whether he wants to or not. Sehun aches, and his hands itch. He wishes he could do something about it.)

-

“Good morning, sunshine!” Baekhyun’s voice is too loud and it’s way too early and Sehun honestly, truly, has no idea why he’s awake so early, and why he even dignified himself to drag himself to the kitchen and attempt to wake up.

Sehun can only wince a few times at both the sunlight and Baekhyun’s voice. “Too loud.” He whispers, careful not to annoy his head even more, moving as slow as he possibly can without annoying _himself_. Even the slightest brusque movement can make his head pound harder. He sits down onto the chair next to the counter and gently laid his head on his arms. “Good morning.”

Rolling his eyes, Baekhyun only turned around and looked for something in one of his kitchen’s drawers. Finding it, he went to the fridge and grabbed a water bottle. He placed both the bottle and what he got from the drawer - an aspirin - in front of Sehun. “You’re dumb, you know that, right? I told you to avoid going to sleep late. It’s 8am, did you get at least four hours of sleep?”

“I wanted to finish the song.” Sehun muttered, head down, and reached for the aspirin and water bottle. He downs it, and then throws Baekhyun a thankful look, to which the other man only waved a hand at. “And I did. It just took me longer than usual, I think. You can check it out later, if you want.”

“Sure.” Baekhyun, being the nice person that he is and that Sehun very much undervalues, places a cup of coffee and cookies in front of him, and Sehun would cover his cheeks with kisses if moving still didn’t hurt so much. “Here. Wait a few minutes for it to work before voicing how thankful you are that I am in your life, and how lost you would be if I didn’t exist and etcetera.”

Sehun would vehemently deny it, but considering his current state, he can’t even shake his head. Instead, he just takes a sip from his cuppa, eats a cookie, and waits for a few minutes until his headache subsides. It’s only a palliative and he knows it, and the pain will only really go away once he gets a full night of sleep. Thing is, that hasn’t happened in a bit under a week, now. Not since he’s been getting deep into memories, trying to write a few songs for their second album. The label isn’t rushing them, but Sehun works better with no higher-ups breathing down his neck, so he’s been trying to finish at least five songs before the deadline.

It’s hard. Not writing, but the thinking, the remembering, the feeling. It makes it all the worse. Regret tastes bitter and it won’t go away, even when good memories come to soften the blow; its sweet taste is not enough.

Once Sehun feels the pain diminishing, he takes a look at his surroundings. Baekhyun’s sitting next to him, only a chair away, and Sehun doesn’t ask about Chanyeol. Knowing him, he’ll sleep till well past noon. Sehun wishes he were like that; instead, he’s waking up early out of a habit he’s caught in the past two years, and he’s yet to break it permanently, only managing to wake up late when he tries extra hard, or takes sleeping pills when his insomnia goes hard on him.

He spots something out of place in the kitchen and his hand hangs mid-air, cup of coffee halfway to his mouth. “Is that a newspaper?” Baekhyun hummed in confirmation, eyes on the phone in his hand. “Why do you even buy newspapers?”

Unfazed, Baekhyun simply looked up at Sehun and raised an eyebrow. “Because clearly I’m a seventy year-old old-fashioned man who likes the newspaper and hates technology. What do you think?” Sehun grins at Baekhyun, who, then, frowns. “It’s Chanyeol’s. He’s the seventy year-old man.”

Chuckling, Sehun reaches for the newspaper, curious, and lets Baekhyun go back to his phone. He’s not really one for newspapers, or news in general, but he tries to keep up every now and then. He forgot his phone back in the room where he slept, and he’s not very keen of the idea of going back to get it, so it’ll be a good way to entertain himself while he ends his breakfast.

He’s skimming through the pages with his eyes, just looking for something that’ll catch his eye. And then he finds just that. Dated from two days ago, there’s an article in the gossip section that makes his stomach turn and suddenly he’s not hungry, not anymore. Sehun reads it thoroughly, carefully, and then takes a long look at the picture displayed. “Interesting.”

“What is?”

It’s nothing against Baekhyun, really. He knows the facts, but only the strictly essential ones, and those were enough for Baekhyun to pity him and act like he was walking around eggshells for days after he was told of them. It was only when Sehun told him that he was fine and that the way he behaved was making it worse that Baekhyun stopped. So Sehun isn’t really interested in a repeat. “Nothing.” He stands up slowly, because the news he just read almost brought his headache fully back, and he doesn’t want to help it finish the job. “I think I’m gonna finish my cuppa on the couch. Don’t worry, I won’t spill coffee on it or anything.”

He doesn’t bring the newspaper with him, but he doesn’t really worry. As far as he knows, Baekhyun doesn’t know Jongin’s name, nor what he did for a living, so Sehun should be fine. Regarding that.

**LEE AND KIM OUT TO DINNER! __**_After settling a long and struggling deal between the companies, the young CEOs Lee Taemin and Kim Jongin meet for dinner at The Plaza._

The thing is, it _aches_. He wishes it didn’t, wishes he could get over Jongin, but he just can’t. Because Jongin’s still a part of him, a part of more than half the songs he plays when he performs, and he can still hear his voice singing them, can still see his fond smile watching Sehun get distracted for hours composing, bringing snacks to him so Sehun wouldn’t starve himself to death.

It makes sense. Lee Taemin is beautiful, and, from what it says in the article, is in the same position as Jongin. A year older, too. The picture in the newspaper is of them laughing as they waited for their orders to arrive, and Sehun almost chokes on his own breath. Because the way Jongin looked, soft and carefree, didn’t seem like the way one looked at a business partner. It was the way one looked at someone with whom they felt very comfortable with.

Sehun shouldn’t care. It’s been three years already, it’d make sense if Jongin moved on. Sehun tries to convince himself that he’s okay, that he’ll be okay if he’s not currently okay, but, for some reason, something deep down tells him that he’s wrong. About what, he’s not quite sure.

-

Sehun doesn't see his family as much as he should. Granted, it’s his fault that he doesn't, even during his breaks between an album and the next. During those, he spends a week, maybe two, and then he’s on his way. It’s not their fault; he just dislikes being back in town. It always feels like he's missing a limb when he walks by some places alone.

But it’s been quite a while since he's last seen them, so he’s back in town, a month or so before the release of his band’s new album. Once it’s out, he knows he’ll barely have a second to himself, too worried with promoting and concert dates and all that comes with it. He doesn’t complain about it - that’s what he always wanted, what he worked hard for. He’s just very aware of his reality.

Every time he’s back home, he treats his parents to dinner. His mom would rather cook for him, she tells him every single time, especially when his 26th birthday passed just two weeks ago, but deep down, Sehun knows she likes it when he takes her to nice places, so he still does it. And he also likes it, so it’s a win-win situation.

His dad doesn't really talk much, but he asks about how his new album is coming along and that means a lot. However, it’s his mom that he mostly fears. Because she cares so much for him, and he already knows most of her questions, anyway.

“So, have you met anyone new? A special someone, maybe?” Sehun manages to keep himself from wincing at that, already prepared for it.

“No, mom. I’m too busy with work, and with dealing with the boys in the band.” He says the same thing every time, and she squints her eyes and smiles both knowingly and sadly.

“Well, and how have Baekhyun, Chanyeol and Yixing been? They haven't come by in a while!” She says, and Sehun’s so grateful that she’s dropped the topic, even though he knows she’ll bring it up again later. But right now they're enjoying dinner together, so Sehun can endure the talk after that.

Talking about the band is easy. His mom absolutely loves Yixing, and he can tell about the time they were at the planetarium and Yixing thought the telescope didn’t work when, in fact, he'd been looking through the wrong side. His mother laughs, delighted, and makes him promise to invite the band over for dinner before they go back on the road. 

Now, his dad likes Chanyeol, but only god knows why, because Sehun hasn’t got a clue. Every time the band visits, Chanyeol disappears talking loudly about sports with Sehun’s father, leaving Baekhyun, Sehun and Yixing with Sehun’s mother. He assumes it’s because his father had had a band when he was younger, and was the drummer as well, but Chanyeol never tells him. Either way, Sehun mentions that he's gone with Baekhyun to see Baekhyun's parents for a weekend, and they ended up staying the whole week for the marriage of a cousin.

Sehun’s finishing his glass of wine when something out of the corner of his eye catches his attention, and his blood runs cold. His heart starts pounding without pity inside his chest, and he’s so glad he’s already downed all of his wine. He sets the glass on the table with a trembling hand and hopes his parents don’t notice.

Sehun stares fully at the man who’s just entered the restaurant and hopes he won't be noticed.

Seeing pictures of people is different from seeing them personally, in the flesh. When you see pictures, you can pretend you don't feel a thing, can just nod in the way normal, functioning adults do when irrelevant info is fed to them, and shrug it away. But when the person you’re still very much in love with - even if it pains to admit -, the person who you’ve been in love with for nearly a decade is _right there_ , after you haven't seen each other personally in years, it’s pretty tough to handle.

Sehun is stupid, he knows it. He tells himself every day when his thoughts inevitably turn to Jongin, to memories of a time so long ago they often feel like a dream he wishes he hadn’t woken up from. But he can’t control it - if he could, maybe he would've managed to make his only relationships after Jongin work. Luhan and Zitao surely deserved that.

Jongin isn’t alone. There are three other men with him, two of those so close together, hands laced so obviously comfortable that they can’t be anything but a couple. But the other guy, that’s the one Sehun’s seen with Jongin many times in the news and such: Lee Taemin. He walks close to Jongin - not as close as the couple with them, but close enough that it's clear that they feel comfortable in each other’s space and appreciate each other’s company.

The group sits together at a table a bit further into the restaurant, but just so that if Sehun were to go to the bathroom, he’d have to walk past them.

Sehun looks down to his plate and forks a pea, brings it to his mouth. He doesn't know whether he wants to be seen or not, can’t make up his mind when his mind tells him to stay put, but his heart wants him to take chances.

In the end, it’s out of his hands. Maybe it’s because he wished so much that Jongin wouldn't see him, while simultaneously hoping to be seen, that the waiter knocks his glass full of wine right onto his shirt. The waiter apologizes profusely, but Sehun makes as less of a fuss as possible; he’s been in that position, and the kid most likely needs his job. Besides, it’s really just a dark red shirt anyway, the damage is mostly unnoticeable.

He does have to go to the bathroom, however. The shirt is wet and the wine makes the shirt cling even more to his chest, and there’s a sticky feel to it that Sehun just can’t handle. He excuses himself from the table, and then he takes a deep breath, schools his face.

Sehun tried, he really did. He repeated it to himself, over and over. “Don't look at him.” His own voice rings in his mind. But his eyes don’t obey. He’s almost making it, and then he looks.

And it’s like the time stops. Because he looks at Jongin, and Jongin is looking right back at him, like he can’t believe Sehun’s really there.

It lasts for all of a split-second before Sehun is blinking and looking away, straight ahead, and his face is blank again, naturally so that not a single person could tell that he was a heartbeat away from bolting from the restaurant.

The bathroom is thankfully empty and he lets out a long sigh. Sehun places his open palms on the border of the sink, leans heavily for a few seconds and tries to slow his heartbeat to a normal pace again, to how it had been before Jongin arrived. And then he’s unbuttoning his shirt, because he’d rather not take long and leave people guessing as to why, and also because if he focuses really hard, he can pretend everything is fine.

There are towels in the bathroom, so he wets a half of a towel and cleans his chest as well as possible, and then dries it with the other half of it. His eyes find themselves on his reflection in the mirror and they linger, as though Sehun’s trying to find something hidden in them. Maybe it’s courage. Or maybe it’s the fact that he doesn’t really know whether to go out of his way and talk to Jongin. It’d be fair, if he did.

His hands are trembling when he reaches for the first button of his shirt, but they freeze once he hears footsteps coming into the bathroom. With his head down, facing his shirt, he can see a pair of feet just ahead of him. And he doesn’t know what he wants, feels torn but knows it doesn’t matter anyway, it doesn’t matter if he wishes it’s Jongin or the contrary. It doesn’t really matter.

“Sehun.” There’s that familiar, so long last-listened to but never forgotten voice, breathing out his name like it’s been choking him, and Sehun already sort of knew, didn’t he?

He looks up, and he lets his arms fall to his sides gradually, but he doesn’t quite notice it. His naked chest is exposed, but his eyes are on Jongin’s face, and their eyes hold such an intense gaze he could be in the middle of a winter storm and yet not feel a thing, for it’s warmth would keep him safe.

“Hey, Jongin.”

A few seconds of silence pass, and their eye contact breaks. Sehun starts buttoning his shirt closed again, trying to hide the blush in his face, the reason why not really being definitive. He tucks a bit of shirt inside his pants, adjusts it as he turns to look at himself in the mirror. Looking directly at Jongin is something he’s trying to avoid, but Sehun can see him with the corner of his eyes, and it’s like Jongin knows it, because he shifts his focus from his feet to Sehun’s profile.

“How have you been?”

“Well. You, too?”

“Yeah.” 

There comes the quiet again, only the noise of chatter from outside echoing and being heard.

Silence settles, but it’s not an empty silence, with nothing to fill it. It’s a silence so thick with emotion, so heavy with words that struggle to be said, words that _have_ to be said, that it just can’t feel uncomfortable. It feels longing, more than anything else. Sehun can even taste it on his tongue.

He looks for something to be said, something suitable for the moment. But what do you say to the one that got away? His mind seeks for questions, for funny remarks, anything to leave his mouth and make them _talk_. With a glance to Jongin’s face, he can see that he’s not alone in this, Jongin’s just the same.

Both may be struggling to find something to say, but it doesn’t ever dawn on them that they could just leave. It doesn’t even appear as an option.

“I saw your parents.” Jongin buries his hands into the pockets of his pants, leans against the wall in some attempt to look relaxed. Sehun holds back a snort. As though Sehun doesn’t know that he’s as nervous as Sehun himself. “They look well.”

Sehun nods, and his throat feels dry. “They told me you go by to see them, sometimes.”

“Sometimes, yeah.”

Sehun doesn’t ask why. His family had always liked Jongin, and the feeling was mutual.

The seconds tick by, but for some reason, they don’t feel like sixty will make a minute. They feel like each is individual, like they don’t add up to anything at all. Like in a blink either an hour or no time whatsoever could pass. 

“You should go back to your friends.” Sehun lets himself say, gives the both of them an out he doesn’t really want to take.

Jongin shakes his head, crosses one foot in front of the other. “I’m sure they’re not missing me that much.”

“Not even your date?”

Jongin frowns at that, squints his eyes in confusion, and his bottom lip sticks out. “I don’t have a date. They’re all my friends.”

“Oh.” Sehun doesn’t ask anything else. He glances at his reflection in the mirror, yells in his mind at himself to get a grip, and turns to give Jongin a small, slightly unsteady smile. “We should go back, either way.”

Jongin’s watching Sehun with careful eyes. Sehun doesn’t move like he wants to leave when he moves to the door, but the look in his eyes show that he sees it as the only thing to do now. But Jongin, he just- doesn’t want to be apart from Sehun.

It’s hard to deal, especially when all he’s done since they broke up was try to get over Sehun, and until a few minutes ago, he was completely sure he had managed that. All it took was one look. One look and it felt both like no time had passed and that so many had that he had to make up for it. It was more than will and curiosity that pulled him to the bathroom after Sehun had gone; it was the sort of pull they always had between them.

So, he can’t say he didn’t expect words to leave his mouth without a second thought. Sehun’s always had that sort of power over him, of doing before thinking. “Have dinner with me.” He does, however, nearly regret it once he says it, because it’s childish of him to just blurt it out, and it’d be too fantastical to expect Sehun to want to do so.

But Sehun’s eyes widen for a split-second in the way he does when he’s positively surprised. His lips part, and a small smile appears on his lips. “Yeah.”

Jongin wouldn’t believe it if he couldn’t hear it from Sehun’s mouth, if Sehun wasn’t right there next to him, if their arms weren’t brushing and he could feel the warmth of Sehun’s body after six years of no communication.

None knows who’s more embarrassing: Jongin almost tripping over his own feet as he tried to give Sehun space and they could both go for their phones to save each other’s numbers, or Sehun almost dropping his own phone, hands a bit shaky, palms a bit sweaty, a bit slippery. They leave the bathroom together, and they part with a nod and a smile, and they pretend to themselves that they didn’t feel like holding hands.

-

To say Sehun is nervous would be an understatement. The last time he felt this nervous was the last time he auditioned, the time they finally got a call back. He'd had a lot to prove back then, a lot of pressure on his shoulders. For some reason, he feels similar to that day right now.

On one hand, it’s Jongin. They didn't break up in good terms, but they had been together through good and a lot of bad, so it shouldn’t matter much whether his hair is perfectly styled or which car he's driving there. But on the other hand, it’s __Jongin__. Jongin, his ex-boyfriend, the one person he’s always wanted to impress. He’d never had to work hard to impress Jongin back when they were together, even though he still did anyway, but now it’s a different situation. He doesn't know if Jongin kept up with him in the last few years, and he doesn't know how Jongin feels about him, even though he was the one who invited Sehun out to dinner. It’s complicated, and he’s too anxious for his liking.

They're going to meet at a fancy restaurant. Sehun doesn't know it, but he dresses subtly and fancy, and when he tells the name of the restaurant to the taxi driver, the man doesn’t ask him anything else after the “where to?”. Sehun’s hands keep reaching for his phone in the pocket of his coat, as if he’s waiting for Jongin to call him and cancel it all. It’s nerve wracking, and he’s one second away from telling the driver to turn back throughout the whole way.

It lasts until after he arrives. But in the very moment in which the maitre d’ lead him to his table and he saw Jongin already waiting for him, it was like all the tension in his body suddenly didn't exist anymore. It was just- gone.

Jongin looks breathtakingly beautiful. His hair isn’t slicked back as it had been on the other day; instead, it looks soft, only slightly styled so it falls softly. In the same way as Sehun, Jongin’s not overdressed, but anything in him looks amazing, and Sehun can vouch for that. The white shirt he’s wearing has the first two buttons opened, and Sehun let out the breath he hadn’t even noticed he had been holding in.

“Hi, Sehun.” Jongin greets with a smile on his face, genuine as he stands up for Sehun.

“Hey.” Sehun replies in uncertainty, and they sit down on their chairs, looking at each other. Sehun feels his stomach doing funny things, as though there were some butterflies in it, so he truly wishes he could know how Jongin feels about all this, especially since that's how his own feelings are right now. “I’m sorry, have you been waiting too long?”

“Nah.” Jongin shook his head, his hands carefully tangled and settled on the table. “I just got here, actually; maybe four or five minutes before you.”

Sehun hums in reply and that’s it. He doesn't quite know what to say. It's not that he doesn't have many things in his mind, it's just that he's positive it won't be interesting if he just blurts out “what are we really doing here?”

But he does just that, and his eyes widen once he realizes he said it out loud. He looks up from his lap where he had been staring, and glances at Jongin, who’s tilting his head with a confused look to him.

“Well.” And for once, Jongin seems at a loss of words. He was never one for those, but he was always good at them, anyway, always good at talking with people. Sehun waits expectantly, watching as Jongin clears his throat and takes a deep breath. And then he sighs and looks straight at his hands. “Well. For one, I don’t like how we ended things. It wasn't the proper ending for something that was special, and it hurt me that we left it as we did.” And then he looked up, right into Sehun’s eyes, and smiled. “You were a huge part of my life, Sehun. I think that means a lot.”

Sehun feels heavy in his chest, like he’s on the ground and there's ten pound of rocks in a bag on top of him, keeping him from getting enough air to breath. He ignores the use of past tense, because it hurts too much, and tries to think of how to answer.

“And two…” Jongin continues, smiling in that soft way he used to smile when he brought home kittens to take care of while looking for people to adopt them, somewhere between sheepish and shameless. “Can I just say that I missed you?”

Sehun gasps noiselessly, nearly chokes on the very air he’s breathing. There's a smile that he's trying hard to stop from showing, but it appears and he just can’t help it. That's the effect Jongin had in him; had, still has, and most likely always will have.

“Yeah, you can.”

The waiter decides to approach them in that moment. Jongin orders something Sehun supposes it’s a specialty of the house, since he has never heard of it before, and he’s no stranger to restaurants. He orders the same, smiles and thanks the waiter and looks at Jongin to find him already looking back. Warmth fills him when he sees Jongin blushing a bit, and it’s only a tad too familiar that Jongin doesn't shy away, only looks straight at Sehun, even if his cheeks evidence his embarrassment at being caught.

They don't need to make small talk. It’s easy for Jongin to talk about his work, about the most recent deal he just closed, because it feels as it did back then, when they were together and he’d come home from work. It feels as easy to complain about demanding business partners as it was to talk about annoying customers, and he only finds himself wanting to be funnier, searches his mind for [funny synonym] anecdotes to make Sehun laugh again and again, to see those eyes turn into pretty crescents as they do when he smiles.

On Sehun’s side, it’s nice to talk about his music and composing with someone who really cares. Jongin saw it all the time, knows how Sehun works, and Sehun never really has to stop and make sure Jongin’s following, because he very clearly does. It’s comforting.

The waiter sets the table and right after brings their meal, but they barely even notice it. They're so entranced by each other, and it’s like six years haven't passed at all.

But it has, and they know it.

When they start eating, they fall into a companionable silence. Sehun finds himself lost in thoughts, and they’re way too heavy for the light moment they’ve been sharing. However, his mind’s voicing a topic that they will inevitably end up approaching at some point of the night. He thinks it over, again and again, and when he feels comfortable enough, he calmly stops eating and looks at Jongin.

“Do you think we met too early? That that was our problem, that was the reason we didn’t work out?”

Jongin stops completely, hand mid-air, mouth open. And then he continues, chews on his food thoroughly, and then he sets his cutleries on the plate. “I think,” and then he paused, cleaned his mouth with a napkin. His eyes are on his glass of wine in a way that says he’s not really looking at it, just lost in thoughts. “I think we burned out too soon. We rushed it, maybe. But maybe, maybe it was just how it was supposed to go.”

“Maybe we had to let each other go so we could grow.” Jongin continued, and then he raised his eyes to Sehun, finding Sehun’s dark ones. Sehun can’t really look away. Jongin’s lips curled into a smile, but it wasn’t a happy one. “I know I was pretty damn immature back then. I regret doing and also not doing many things. But I lacked experience and maturity, and I eventually realized that.”

Sehun listens to every word with as much attention as it is possible. This Jongin, more mature and prone to talking, is different from the one he knew, but it’s a good different. Jongin’s grown, and maybe that was something Sehun had been afraid of - maybe he’d been afraid Jongin had become another person with the weight of responsibility on his shoulders, and maybe he’d been afraid Jongin wouldn’t have matured at all. But Jongin’s right in the middle, and if Sehun wished, at some point, that he’d get over Jongin, this moment isn’t helping. Especially when Sehun can relate so well to the words that left Jongin’s mouth.

“Truth be told, we were really just kids, weren’t we?”

“We were such dumb kids.” Sehun smiles in fond nostalgia, and when he looks at Jongin right across him, he swears that, for a second, he can see pink-haired Jongin, pouting his lips at him.

“We’re not anymore, though.” Jongin says, and there’s a smile on his lips but the look on his face is unexpectedly serious. “Right?”

There’s something inside Sehun that makes him feel like fireworks decided that very moment to explode all at once inside his stomach. He looks down, and his smile is a small one, not because it can’t get bigger, but because he’s biting on the inside of his cheeks and trying to keep himself from smiling harder.

“I resented you a lot back then.” He admits, and when he raises his gaze, his eyes are gentle. “I’m sure you resented me, too. But I don’t think I’ve felt much that wasn’t regret and longing for you in quite some time.”

There’s a gasp that nearly comes out of Jongin's mouth, but he catches himself right before it does, licks his lips instead. His heart is beating so fast, and he swallows in dry.

“And I missed you, too.”

Sehun’s voice, Jongin's favorite voice in the world, almost doesn't compute for Jongin. Those are words, a week ago, that he was absolutely sure he’d never hear. Maybe he even didn't want to, just because it’d make it all worse. But it doesn't, and he really wishes he could hold Sehun’s hand right now.

Through the rest of the night, they don't touch that subject anymore. Instead, Jongin talks about Sehun’s songwriting - “you’ve gotten amazingly better, you know” - and Sehun makes fun of Jongin - “making deals with big businessmen, no one would believe you cried at the end of Monsters, Inc” - and they talk about trivial things, like movies they recently watched and books they liked.

They both know that, when the bill comes, none will give. So they split it, one frowning at the other for not being allowed to pay for all of it, two stubborn men who still know each other well enough. They walk outside together, and Jongin waits for the __valet__ to bring his car at the same time a taxi is ordered for Sehun.

“I really enjoyed tonight.” Jongin's hands are buried into the pockets of his pants, and they're curled into fists, as though he’s trying to keep himself from doing something he shouldn't, like maybe pulling Sehun in for a kiss. “Thank you for coming, really.”

“It was my pleasure, you know? I had a lot of fun, too.” The words ' _ _we should do this again sometime__ ’ hang heavy on the tip of Sehun’s tongue, but they do not spill. He swallows it in and leaves it at that.

Standing tall the way he is, Jongin looks about nearly the same height as Sehun. They're at eye-level and for a moment there, they stare too long into each other's eyes, just a feet apart. And then the __valet__ is back, and Jongin has to leave.

Sehun’s taxi is right behind Jongin’s car, and they start walking to their destinations, until something crosses Sehun’s mind and makes him halt. He turns around. “Jongin.” Jongin looks up, just when he’s about to enter his car, curiosity in his eyes. “Do you wanna grab some hot cocoa with me tomorrow?”

Jongin’s eyes very nearly sparkle. “Yeah, absolutely.” His smile is a wide one.

“I’ll text you.”

Jongin nods. “Please, do. Good night, Sehun.”

“Good night, Jongin.” Sehun smiles, a relieved sort of smile, and it feels like a heavy weight's just been lifted off his shoulder. He gets into the taxi and he feels like everything is right where it’s supposed to be, or falling into place, anyway.

-

On the next day they start texting pretty early - Jongin up because of work, and Sehun because of his nervousness, to which he’ll vehemently deny to others but easily acknowledge to himself. Until then, they had only talked to settle the date for their dinner, and even that had mostly been resolved with a call, so it’s completely understandable that Sehun texts somewhat shyly at first, not quite sure how to talk to Jongin.

However, he notices quite quickly that Jongin’s still the type of person who either texts one hundred percent correctly, or with a million abbreviations that you will, somehow, still be able to understand - there’s no in-between.

Thing is, talking to Jongin is so familiar, so natural. Sehun loosens up fast, and from then on it’s easy to send a picture of his guitar and a few half-scribbled pages around it, complaining about his day. It’s even easier because Jongin had done the same earlier, with a picture of the view from his office and a little plant by the window.

__sent at 1:03pm, from jongin_ _

__So, where do you wanna go?_ _

Sehun furrows his brows at that. He doesn't really know where to go; he rarely goes out when he’s in town, and he has no clue of where they can find some good chocolate, now.

__sent at 1:05pm, from sehun_ _

__idk? i have no clue, now that you asked. do u have a suggestion?_ _

Jongin’s reply comes in a matter of seconds.

__sent at 1:06pm, from jongin_ _

__You invite me out and you don't know where to take me? What sort of lousy date are you? ;)_ _

Sehun’s stomach instantly flutters when he reads the word 'date’. He had been denying it to himself, not allowing himself to put it into his head in case it wasn't a date at all, but the way they've been, talking since they woke up, teasing each other; he can't say it's not a date.

__sent 1:08pm, from sehun_ _

__well, don't you have work to do? what sort of lousy CEO are you? :P_ _

He lets a playful smirk tease its way to his lips when he sends his text, and giggles when his reply comes, three minutes later.

__sent 1:11pm, from jongin_ _

__wow, if u dont wanna talk 2 me just say so_ _

Attached to Jongin’s text is a selca of him with his chin on the heel of hand and a pout on his lips. Sehun looks at it for what feels like forever before he remembers he has to reply.

Just when he’s about to, however, he gets another text.

__sent 1:17pm from Jongin._ _

__Also, don’t worry about it, I know just the place to take you._ _

__sent 1:18pm from sehun_ _

__i thought i was the one taking you out_ _

__sent 1:18pm from jongin_ _

__semantics~~~~~_ _

Another text from Jongin comes right after.

__sent 1:19pm from jongin_ _

__5pm good for you?_ _

__sent 1:21pm from sehun_ _

__yeah, it’s good. see you then :)_ _

Sehun puts his arms under his head, pillowing it, and thinks for a few minutes before typing in another answer.

__sent 1:24pm from sehun_ _

__if i didn't wanna talk to you i'd just tell u so, btw. u know that_ _

__sent 1:27pm from jongin_ _

__I know. Just teasing ;)_ _

Rolling his eyes in fond annoyance, Sehun stood from the floor near his bed where he’d been sitting, and then heads to the bathroom for a shower.

-

Jongin texts Sehun the address to the coffee shop at a quarter to 4pm, and Sehun makes sure to leave on time. When he gets there, Jongin hasn’t arrived yet, so he finds a table by the corner of the cozy, slightly hidden coffee shop and tells the waitress with the nice smile that comes to take his order that he’s waiting for someone.

About ten minutes past five, Jongin walks into the place, hair looking slightly disheveled by the wind and a pair of glasses carefully set on his face. His hands are buried into the pockets of his coat, and when he sees Sehun, he smiles so wide Sehun has a bit of difficulty breathing.

“Sorry I’m late.” Jongin says looking sheepish, and sits down across from Sehun, running a hand through his hair and making it look a little less unkempt. “We have light days and heavy days at the office; today was of the latter sort.”

Sehun puts his phone that he’d been using to distract himself away, and spares a second or two to notice how good Jongin looks in glasses. He turns his gaze away when Jongin notices it, and tries not to blush at being caught. “Then, I’m sorry to hear that.”

“It was nothing a warm cup of cocoa can’t make it better.” Jongin says casually, instantly lifting the menu and keeping his face from Sehun’s eyes with it. “Had it been a harder day, I suppose it’d still be okay, ‘cause seeing you would surely make it go away.”

And then Jongin peeks from behind the menu, and the crinkles by his eyes are the breaking point for Sehun to blush from his chest all the way up to his cheeks. “I can see you’re still lame as usual.”

“You call it lame, I call it being smooth.” Jongin winks, and the giggle that leaves Sehun’s mouth has Jongin smiling along, shaking his head half-heartedly.

The rest of the afternoon absolutely flies by in the blink of an eye. Over two cups of hot cocoa and two baskets of cookies and a piece of pie they share, it’s easily Sehun’s best spent time in quite some time.

Jongin wouldn’t disagree. It’s always so fulfilling to be with Sehun, to talk to him, to see him laugh and mock him and playfully judge him, to just __exist__. Because so much time’s passed, Jongin had forgotten that Sehun had been Jongin’s whole world, once. Because so much time’s passed, Jongin didn’t realize that Sehun had never really stopped being Jongin’s whole world.

A few hours after it’s darkened, after they’ve laughed so hard at Sehun’s storytelling about Chanyeol and Yixing’s - and Baekhyun’s, though Jongin doesn’t know him personally - feats, they decide it’s time to leave. It’s such a mutual, silent agreement, that it momentarily stuns Sehun. It’s baffling how they work in sync, and he doesn’t remember them being like this so fast, back then.

Sehun pays the bill, but only after Jongin makes him promise that he’ll let Jongin pay next time, and when Jongin thinks Sehun’s not paying attention, he slips his hand in Sehun’s. There’s a bit of a chill that runs down Sehun’s spine when it happens, and his breath catches, but he goes along with it, because Jongin’s hand is warm and soft and Sehun’s been missing this so much it’s embarrassing.

“Want a ride?” Jongin asks, body gently pressing along Sehun’s, and Sehun doesn’t really want him to move away.

Sehun shakes his head. “You don’t have to, I can get a cab.”

“It’s not that I __have__ to, I just __want__ to.” Jongin’s face turns into a bit of a scowl, and his bottom lip stucks out in a pout. He tightens his grip on Sehun’s hand momentarily, and then loosens it, thumb caressing the back of Sehun’s hand. “The question is, do __you__ want a ride?”

‘No’ was never the answer that Sehun wanted to give. “Okay, fine.” He rolls his eyes playfully, as though it’s such a hardship to let Jongin drive him home, and watches as a satisfied, slightly smug smile graces Jongin’s lips. 

Sehun feels warm when they make their way to Jongin’s car, parked in a street a few minutes of walk away. He lets himself drown in Jongin’s voice, in the way he talks about the time he and his friends in college had almost been locked overnight in a McDonald’s, and the weather may be chilly, but he feels so warm.

-

Sehun only checks his phone once he gets home. He’s usually using all the time, has to take a look at it every once in a while at least, but the afternoon with Jongin had been so nice, he’d found himself enthralled in it.

There are about ten messages: four from Chanyeol, which is no surprise, since he really can’t text like a normal human being, and uses the 'send’ button more than what would be considered ideal; three from Baekhyun; and two from Yixing, which instantly brings a smile to Sehun’s face. During their breaks, right before they get back to work again, they part ways. Yixing is always the one who’s further away, going back to China to be with his family while he can. Sehun talks and sees Baekhyun and Chanyeol whenever he wants to, truly, but Yixing is always a bit harder to reach, especially when he forgoes his phone. It’s good to hear from him.

He opens Yixing's first. The first one is a screenshot, and Sehun thinks that maybe he saw it coming, but is still surprised to see it.

It’s a gossip magazine cover with a picture of Sehun and Jongin standing pretty close on the outside of the restaurant they’d been the night before. The headline is “‘close friends’?”, and Sehun feels like rolling his eyes at the creativity.

The truth is that he’s never really hidden his sexuality. Sure, he's never made it obvious either, but he also fought a lot to keep at least some of his songs with male pronouns. Point is, it's really not surprising that the media is, once again, trying to gain some sort of relevancy by attempting to expose him. The only thing they've never counted on is the fact that he doesn't care.

__sent 5:37pm from yixing_ _

__good to see you looking happy :’) hope it all works out well for you two._ _

Sehun instantly blushes. __We’re__ __not__ __together__ , he wants to stress it, but it’s hard not to feel giddy when he thinks about Jongin, about going out with him, about __being__ with him. He doesn't want to deny it, doesn't want to have to deny it. So he doesn't.

__sent 7:43 from sehun_ _

__thanks, xing. miss u_ _

He opens Baekhyun’s next, and can't help but chuckle at the million moon emojis he gets in his face. There's a similar screenshot sent to him, and the one text that has words makes Sehun roll his eyes fondly.

__sent 5:23 from baekhyun_ _

__damn u really hit the lotto ;)_ _

He doesn't know what to reply, so he doesn't. Baekhyun often doesn't expect Sehun to reply to this sort of text - the sort that doesn't really have an answer except some laughing emojis.

Chanyeol’s texts are the ones that truly tug at his heartstrings. Chanyeol was there through everything, he saw it all go down, and he was always the one who, even though he was against the break-up, never made Sehun feel like he was wrong. Chanyeol always heard Sehun, and kept close to him, and worried like the friend Sehun needed. And Chanyeol, Sehun’s sure, kept in touch with Jongin all this time, so Sehun can __feel__ how genuine his words are.

__sent 5:20pm from chanyeol_ _

__ahhh my heart!!_ _

__sent 5:21pm from chanyeol_ _

__can’t wait for the wedding!!!_ _

__sent 5:21pm from chanyeol_ _

__i call dibs on best man idc_ _

__sent 5:25pm from chanyeol_ _

__real talk now: glad to see u guys together again. txt me later to tell me the details!! miss u_ _

__sent 7:51pm from sehun_ _

__miss u too, but we're not getting married, lameass_ _

Sehun closes the chat with Chanyeol and is just about to leave his phone on the bed to go for a shower when he opens the chat again, grinning coyly.

__sent 7:53pm from sehun_ _

__but if we do, you're totally my best man_ _

-

He’s got a month till he has to start working on album promotions and tour planning and such. Jongin knows it, because he’s pretty sure he mentioned that the first time they went out, but they don’t stop talking. Sehun half-expected Jongin to let him go, somewhat trying not to get his hopes up, now that they're in good terms with each other and not wanting to go through the trouble of a long-distance relationship - because isn’t that where they’re heading, really? - with him, but they only seem to get closer.

They don’t see each other or speak to each other all the time. Sehun spends some good, quality time with his family during vacation for the first time in a long time, and he writes, too, spends hours locked into his room composing and recording it to send in the group chat he has with Chanyeol, Yixing and Baekhyun. And Jongin, well, he works. Sometimes Sehun will take a break from writing and find at least three texts from Jongin complaining about having piles of papers to go through, or saying variations of the fact that he doesn’t even regret hating coffee because ‘there’s no amount of caffeine in the world that could make me truly awake for all of this’.

But Sehun regularly wakes up to texts of Jongin saying good morning, and at the end of the day, Jongin also asks about how his day went, and Sehun’s been pretty okay the past few years, but he doesn’t remember feeling so happy in the recent past. Sometimes he even wakes up early just to text Jongin first, to wish him a good day at work, and then he passes out in his bed again, wishing Jongin were there with him.

They go out together, again. And again, and again. Jongin takes Sehun to the aquarium, and though Sehun had already been there at some point in the last couple of years, he enjoys it even more. He’d say it has something to do with Jongin giving all the fish and other aquatic animals names, but Sehun thinks it’s just the fact that Jongin was there.

They talk a lot, too. There are way too many nights they went to sleep past three am, just talking, rambling about both random and relevant things. They talk about the moon and how bright it is, and they complain that it’s getting colder and colder by the second, and they share recommendations on pastries.

(One night, they touched from up close what they wouldn't touch with a stick before. That time had been different; the atmosphere had been a bit heavy since the moment they started the call, but it wasn't heavy in a bad way. It just felt like it was the right time to end a talk they should've already gotten over with in the first place.

“You know, I chickened out. I got tired, and I didn't know what to do.” There's something in Jongin’s voice that makes him sound so much older than his twenty-six years of age. It seems like he's been keeping these words in for so long, and maybe he has, and he breathes them out with some sort of relief. “I should've talked to you.”

“And I should have noticed it, I should have known, too.”

“With what, your crystal ball?” Jongin snorts self-deprecatingly, and Sehun can imagine him shaking his head to himself, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth. “I should have talked about it, like we always did about everything. But I was scared - I was scared of telling you that I didn't wanna do that anymore.”

“Yeah, but I didn't even realize something was off. I was so focused on myself, on what __I__ wanted, that I forgot to think about what __you__ wanted, too.” Sehun sighs, a hand running through his hair. He's thought about this so much along the years. He knows what he's talking about. “And then we overreacted. We shouldn’t have said the things we said, but we did. All that matters now is that I forgive you. Do you forgive me, too?

“Of course.” Jongin says in mild disbelief, like the answer is so obvious it’s ridiculous to even ask for it. It most likely is. “I already did a long time ago.” There's a pause. His breathing can be heard through the call, and Sehun waits for Jongin to continue. “I never wanted to lose you.”

Something tugs on Sehun’s heartstrings. He feels as though his heart is in his throat. “You didn't. Not really. Not in the way that counts.”)

-

A week passes and they haven’t even kissed yet.

Sehun, on one hand, can't be thankful enough that there isn't a sense of rush to them. It’s easy to just see Jongin, take his hand in both of his, press a kiss to it and leave it at that. It’s nice to go out with Jongin and wrap an arm around his waist, or throw it over Jongin’s shoulders. Jongin looks at him with such a tender look every single time, and it makes Sehun feel like bursting. He thinks it’s enough.

On the other hand, however, he really wants to kiss Jongin.

It’s just. Jongin has this thing where he can be a natural tease without even trying. He can just purse his lips in concentration, trying to decide on which road to take to go somewhere to lunch, and Sehun will find himself a bit too hot under his shirt. Jongin will send Sehun a selfie at the studio, all sweaty and wearing only a tank and sweatpants, and Sehun will genuinely have to put down his phone, take a few minutes to breath and try not to pop a semi, and only then will he manage to answer.

(“Of course I still dance.” Jongin’s voice is soft through facetime, but there's a hint of disbelief to it. For some reason Sehun expected Jongin to have stopped dancing, and knowing that he didn't makes him so inexplicably happy. He doesn't know what to answer, so he just shrugs and tells Jongin just that.)

But then Jongin __is__ truly teasing. There are moments, when it’s late at night and the wind is blowing cold and they're pressed together both for warmth and because they can't really stay away from each other for too long, and Jongin will look at him through his lashes, glance between Sehun's eyes and lips back and forth, and bite onto his lower lip before looking away. He’ll even wrap his arms around Sehun from behind, blow hot air at the back of Sehun’s neck just to watch the little hairs there stand up as Sehun shivers, and then rest his chin on Sehun’s shoulders.

But when Jongin pulls away, presses his cheek to Sehun’s hand - that’s when Sehun feels all those butterflies in his stomach. When Jongin tells him good night, stands a bit on his toes and brushes his lips against Sehun’s forehead - that's when Sehun will feel his lashes fluttering. He feels so full, so showered with affection.

So, he doesn't mind not kissing Jongin. He already knows how Jongin feels about him, anyway.

-

It’s a saturday and Jongin’s invited Sehun out to dinner. Tonight is different, though. According to Jongin, he’s cooking all the best dishes he knows how to make.

“That doesn't mean much, I assume…?” Sehun teases, eyes twinkling, and he’s sure Jongin would shove him if they were close. Instead, he rolls his eyes and maybe sticks his tongue out for a split second through the screen.

“Listen, I got so much better at cooking. I had to fend for myself, you know. It's not like I could live off take out for the rest of my life.” Jongin huffs, and Sehun nods indulgently. Shaking his hair off his face, he pouts. “You’ll have to meet Taemin; he was the one who made me learn how to cook the basics. Something tells me you’ll get along just fine.”

“Is that so?”

Jongin snorts. “Well, yeah. For starters, you both like to make fun of me.”

A kind, small smile appears on Sehun’s face. “It’s just that you’re very easy to make fun of.”

With an unimpressed look on his face, Jongin throws his head back as he leans backwards with his chair at work. “Sure.” But Sehun can see how the curve of Jongin’s lips is curling upwards, and knows Jongin isn’t really bothered.

Dinner is at seven. They both agree not to dress up for it, because honestly, Jongin works all day every day in button-ups and slacks, and they’ve seen each other in every single way already, so why worry that much about looking sharp when they’re just staying in?

Sehun rings the doorbell, wearing just a simple black t-shirt and sweatpants. He’s got a bottle of wine in his hands, and his feet tap a little bit, slightly anxious but mostly just missing Jongin.

The door opens and Sehun instantly smiles, taking in the sight. Jongin looks soft, hair falling in front of his eyes, and he’s wearing sweatpants and a loose sweater that hangs off his arm, exposing his shoulder and collarbone, and Sehun wants to press as many kisses there as it’s physically possible. “Hi.” Jongin says with a smile, bringing one of his hands that’s nearly covered by the long sleeve to push his hair back. “You look nice.”

“Hey.” Sehun shrugs and walks in when Jongin makes space for him, looking around Jongin’s living room quickly before turning back to him. He places the bottle of wine on the small table near the door. “You, too.” There’s a delicious smell of food coming from a bit further into Jongin’s place and he smiles. “It doesn’t smell like it’s burnt yet! Maybe you can pull this off.”

Jongin only shakes his head and chuckles, and then Sehun’s stepping into his space, wrapping his arms around Jongin’s neck and feeling Jongin’s full-on, warm embrace. “I just hope you’ll like it.” Jongin says, pressing his lips to Sehun’s ear, and Sehun wants to say he’ll like it regardless of how it turns out, but his face is buried into Jongin’s shoulder and he doesn’t feel like moving.

But they eventually do, because Jongin has to check on the sauce, and Sehun is left to wander around the place. It’s not overly fancy, even though Sehun can see that a place like this, where it’s located and with the view it offers, has to be expensive, but it’s so cozy it’s barely noticeable. His attention is quickly drawn to a few photographs in the shelf near the TV, and he moves there after taking his shoes off.

There’s a picture of Jongin with his family, Jongin a bit more on his mother’s side, his late father with a bit of space between them. It’s an old one, from maybe before they had even met. Jongin still had his natural hair color then, and his cheeks had a bit more of fat, making him that much cuter. Sehun moves along to the next picture, and smiles. It’s a picture of Sehun with Chanyeol and Yixing, back in their old apartment. In the picture Sehun’s sitting on the floor with Chanyeol completely distracted, a bunch of papers of song lyrics scattered around them, and Yixing is making a peace sign, looking at the camera with a guitar on his lap. It’s a bit nostalgic, if Sehun’s being honest, but in a good way. He makes a note to himself to ask about that picture later, especially since he doesn’t remember ever seeing it.

Then, there’s a picture of Jongin with a group of people Sehun doesn’t know. Sehun recognizes Taemin and the couple that had been with Jongin at the restaurant the other day, and then there are a few other men and women he has no clue of who they are. Jongin is smiling wide in that photograph, he notices; they’re sitting on a bar booth, and he’s doing a peace sign behind Taemin, making it look like little horns. Sehun doesn’t even notice he’s smiling until Jongin comes to stand beside him, touching the small of his back for a small while.

“That was a good day. I think I can remember it almost vividly.” He takes the photograph from it’s place and brings it closer to him and Sehun. He points at a boy with dark hair, thick brows and plump lips. “This is Kyungsoo. It’d been his birthday that day, and he didn’t want to go out to celebrate it, but we took him with us anyway, and he ended up having the time of his life. He also met his boyfriend, Yifan, that day, and they’ve been together for three years already.” Sehun leans his head against Jongin’s shoulder, and wraps an arm around his waist.

“These are Jonghyun, Amber, Jongdae, Taemin, Minseok, Soojung, and Junmyeon.” He points to each of them, and turns his tender look to Sehun. “I think you’ll like to meet them.”

Sehun doesn’t think twice before replying, and he thinks that if he smiles wider, his cheeks will hurt. “I think so, too.”

Jongin serves dinner and despite all his jokes, Sehun knows Jongin isn't that bad of a cook; and, after all, it’s not like Sehun’s much better.

The table is all set when they sit. Jongin’s made lasagna, salad, beef and there's a nice-looking chocolate pie sitting at the middle of the table. Sehun’s bottle of wine is on the table as well, and Jongin fills their glasses.

They talk idly between bites every once in a while, but in general they stay in a silence that feels too comfortable to break at the moment. Sometimes their eyes meet and they chuckle bit, and that's it.

Once they finish, Jongin has a proud, satisfied smile on his face, and he looks a bit expectantly at Sehun. “So, what did you think?”

“Mmm.” Sehun pretends to think, bringing the tip of his index finger to his bottom lip, appearing deep in thought. “It all tasted delicious. We haven't eaten dessert yet, though.”

Jongin hums happily in acknowledgement, grinning. “So we can call my attempt at cooking dinner a success?” Sehun nods and Jongin’s grin widens.

They bring the dishes to the kitchen and after Jongin convinces Sehun to let him do it in the next morning, they bring a couple of plates with pie to the sofa. Jongin turns on the tv and after they find a comfortable way to sit together - Jongin with back to the arm of the couch and legs thrown over Sehun's, Sehun's legs crossed indian-style - Sehun looks for something to them to watch.

Sehun settles on a rerun of a drama he faintly remembers watching a few scenes while touring. The pie tastes heavenly, feels so good on his tongue when it melts on it, and he very nearly moans. It's good. Too good.

“It's cute that you're courting me.” He comments with a playful grin on his smile, right before shoving a bit of his dessert into his mouth.

Jongin turns to look at him, squinting his eyes a bit in disbelief. “No, I’m not.”

“You kind of are.” Sehun shrugs, biting onto his lower lip. “You cooked for me.”

It's only then that Jongin stops a bit, tilting his head to the side and looking away seemingly deep in thought. And then he pouts, side-eyeing Sehun. “Yeah, I guess I am.”

Sehun finishes his pie with a bright smile on his face, and then he sets the plate on the tiny table in front of the sofa. Then, Sehun narrows his eyes and looks at Jongin. “You didn't make this, did you?”

“You got me there.” Jongin looks sheepish, a bit of a blush on his cheeks as he smiles. “I did cook the whole dinner, though.”

Sehun bites the insides of his cheeks, trying not to smile too hard, but he fails completely. Jongin looks cute, and he sort of wants to lie down with Jongin, so he does. They haven't really been this close again yet, so Sehun thinks it's a bit of the wine’s doing, even though he didn't even drink much, but he doesn't think before he's snuggling into Jongin’s arms.

Jongin welcomes him easily into his arms, only taking a moment to put his empty plate away as well before letting Sehun rest his head on his chest and wrapping his arm around Sehun.

It feels so good to just stay like that. Jongin’s stomach is full, all he can smell is the sweet scent of Sehun’s hair, and his arms are full of someone so, so important to him. He’s not necessarily sleepy, but he feels lazy, so he closes his eyes, and idly moves his hand up and down Sehun’s back.

He doesn't know how long passes - it could be minutes, it could be hours. Sehun moves slightly in his arms, buries his nose a bit more into his chest. And then his voice rumbles softly through Jongin. “I’m sorry I wasn't with you when you needed me.”

Sehun doesn't have to say it exactly for Jongin to know what he's talking about. “You have nothing to apologize for.” And he means it. Sehun has this thing where he blames himself for things that aren't even slightly his fault, that have nothing to do with him, only because he worries so much. Jongin takes Sehun’s hand, the one that’s placed on Jongin’s belly, and intertwines them together.

“I wasn’t here when your dad…”

“Well, you sort of were.” Jongin says carefully, and he can feel Sehun attempting to shake his head while lying down. A few seconds pass, and Jongin presses a kiss to the top of Sehun’s head. “I kept your note, you know. I still have it, somewhere here.”

“It isn't the same.”

“It was enough.” Jongin’s tone doesn't leave room for discussion. His hold tightens on Sehun and it doesn't falter. “And I never thanked you for it, so I’m doing it now. Thank you.”

There is a long silence following, and Sehun doesn't feel like replying, so they continue to rest. It's only when Jongin's about to suggest that they go to bed so they can sleep comfortably that Sehun responds, voice small. “You're welcome.”

-

Jongin’s finishing up in the kitchen, putting the leftovers in the fridge, and Sehun pushes himself lazily off the couch, drifts back to the shelf with the portraits.

There'd been one picture in particular, among a couple others, he didn't see earlier. Maybe Jongin had pulled him away from it on purpose, or maybe he hadn't noticed at all. But Sehun hasn't seen it in so long.

It’s a picture of them at home - well, where they lived. He doesn't have a clue of who took it, or even of when it was taken, but it must have been at some point during their second year after getting a place together. In the photograph, Jongin is lying on the couch, and his head is on Sehun’s lap. Sehun himself has his head thrown back, resting it against the couch, one of his hands on Jongin’s hair, and there's a smile tugging on the corner of his lips. 

He should’ve known Jongin had taken it with him. It was one of his favorites.

“Sehunnie. Bed?” Jongin’s voice brings him back from his reverie, and Sehun blinks. He started smiling at some point, and he didn't even notice. He turns around, meeting Jongin’s lovely, sleepy smile, and nods.

“Yeah.”

-

Jongin’s wearing a black turtleneck, skinny and ripped black jeans, and Sehun can’t help but smile. It’s been long since he’s seen Jongin like this, a little less dressed for business, looking a bit more into street style. Jongin notices his stare and looks down at himself, then back at Sehun.

“What? I still like wearing these, you know. I just mainly don’t. Not really part of the workplace attire handbook.”

Sehun keeps quiet, only shakes his head and instinctively reaches for Jongin’s mitten-covered hand. Jongin laces their fingers and gives it a tight squeeze as they began their walk. It’s nice, holding hands. It’s nice being together, and there’s nothing else Sehun would rather be doing right now, no one else he’d rather be with than Jongin.

There are flowers everywhere, beautiful ones in multiple different colors, and they painted such a masterpiece of a picture; and yet, Jongin couldn’t really stop looking at Sehun. Even when he has to look away so it won't be weird, his eyes find their way back to Sehun, both to admire him and to see how he’s feeling.

“Now you’re the one staring.” Sehun points out, and Jongin shrugs. “Take a picture, it’ll last longer.”

“I sure will.”

Sehun throws Jongin a disbelieving glance.

“What? I really will, just not right now.” Jongin winks, and then tilts his head frontwards.

Sehun looks ahead, and then he halts. “Oh.”

He knows this place. He’s been here before- they’ve been here before. The water is still so very blue, and the grass is greener than Sehun's ever seen, and there’s still an old tree currently giving them a nice shadow.

Sehun turns to look at Jongin, finding the other man looking around bashfully. “I haven't been here in… quite a while.”

A grin is on Jongin’s lips and he doesn’t look at Sehun, but he does tug at Sehun’s hand until he's pressed along Jongin’s side, and he has an arm around Sehun's waist.

“I didn’t come here for years. I started, maybe, a year or so ago. It reminded me of you. It was... something of us that I could still have.”

Jongin speaks so softly Sehun's scared for a second that the words will be taken away by the wind before he can catch them, but he does hear them. He tucks those words carefully in his heart, too, keeps them safe.

“We’ve missed so much of each other. You know, I used to regret not being there with you when your dream finally came true. And then I convinced myself that if I’d been there, I’d only pull you back. I’m still not sure that that isn't what would’ve happened if I’d been there. But there wasn't a day, there __isn’t__ a day that goes by in which I don’t think of you.” A strong blow of wind whips them for a while, and then it settles. “And it made me ache when I heard your songs, but they also gave me hope. Hope that you still cared, hope you still thought of me. Hope that maybe you still loved me.”

Jongin closes his eyes. Sehun lets out a heavy breath, and then presses his mouth to Jongin’s clothed shoulder.

“I never stopped.” 

Jongin doesn't reply to that, barely moves at first, but then his hand on Sehun’s waist tightens, the arm around Sehun's frame pull him closer to Jongin, and then they’re clutching onto each other, Jongin’s hands on Sehun's neck and shoulder, Sehun’s hands splayed open on Jongin’s back, their hold growing tighter and tighter.

Time passes by, as does all things in the universe, but they don't notice. Only when it feels like they can, when they feel like that’s enough for now, when Sehun’s perfume is on Jongin's shirt in such an intoxicatingly way that Jongin most likely won’t wash it for days, to keep it the way it is; when Sehun's felt enough of Jongin's warmth that he’d able to live in the cold for a full week surviving only with it.

They don’t pull away all the way. Hands are on hips and arms are thrown over shoulders. Jongin’s eyes keep dancing between Sehun’s eyes and lips, and Sehun can’t help but do the same.

“I really wanna kiss you right now. Can I?”

“Well, at least you're asking this time.” Jongin snorts at that, his face a mix of surprise and disbelief. 

“As far as I remember, there were no complaints.” He points out.

Sehun turns his head away, faces the lake and tries to hide the blush covering his cheeks. “My mouth was busy.”

A gentle hand finds Sehun’s chin, and carefully turns Sehun’s face back to look at Jongin. Jongin’s thumb caresses Sehun’s bottom lip, soft and a little chapped. “Yeah, kissing mine." 

Jongin doesn’t give Sehun much time to retort after that, teasing glint in his eyes as Sehun stuck his bottom lip out. This very moment, this person, is all he needs. He leans in.

-

When they fall into bed, bodies free of any sort of clothing, their skin touching everywhere, it’s with the sort of naturality and calmness that comes with knowing each other well and thoroughly. Their touches are near reverent, but still so sure, and when Sehun slides his hands down Jongin’s sides, past his torso and to his hips, settling on his thighs to wrap them around his waist, he thinks that this could be it, that the world could end and this would be his last moment alive, and it'd be the happiest he's ever been.

And then he looks at Jongin’s face, watches his parted plump lips, long lashes as he opens his eyes to look at Sehun; watches the rise and fall of Jongin’s chest, his chiseled jaw, the slope of his carefree grin; and he figures he’s still gonna be so much happier, and he doesn't want to stop now.

“You're so beautiful, you know that?” He breathes out, and he’s sure he must look a little starry-eyed, he knows he sounds a bit like he can't believe his life. He truly can’t quite believe that he gets this, he gets to be happy with the one person he's always loved, always, always, always. “I’m so lucky.”

“Yeah, you are. You sap.” Fondness is written all over Jongin, drips onto his voice, curls into his smile, showers Sehun with it through his gaze. He wonders if Jongin can feel how much Sehun feels for him in the same way. “And so am I.”

And then Jongin pushes himself up just enough to place his hand on the back of Sehun's neck, bringing him down and into a breathy kiss.

-

“You know, we broke up so long ago. Statistics say we’re doomed from the start.” Sehun’s voice quietly cuts through the silence, and Jongin wants nothing more than to bury his face into Sehun’s neck, so he does just that. Because he can.

“Statistics, huh?” Jongin ponders half-heartedly, breathing in the bittersweet scent that is so characteristically Sehun’s. “I suppose.”

“But. I-” A sigh escapes his lips and cuts his speech, but he isn’t annoyed when it’s Jongin’s lips wet on his skin that did that. “I want us to try anyway.”

Jongin freezes instantly. “Are you asking me to date you?” His tone is only a bit teasing, now.

“I might be.”

“Whoa.” Jongin breathed out, and a shiver runs down Sehun’s spine when the cold air hit his skin. He can feel Jongin smile against his neck when he’s reaching for Sehun’s hand. “Déjà vú.”

A memory hits Sehun and he noiselessly chuckles, turns his head so he can look at Jongin’s face. “You’re such a jerk.” He whispers those familiar words with no real bite to it.

“Yeah.” Jongin nodded, eyes closed and the smallest, most intimate smile on his lips, and he looks as beautiful as ever. “But now I’m __your__ jerk of a boyfriend. Again.”

-

(It's a week before Sehun has to leave, give or take. A monday. Jongin should be at work, but he isn't. Sehun doesn't know why he chose to take the day off today, but maybe it has something to do with him asking for it on the night before, just on the verge of falling asleep.

It can’t be later than 9am, but Jongin’s already showered. His hair is still a bit wet as he slides under the sheets, skin less warm than Sehun is, but Sehun snuggles closer to him, anyway. He smells good. He smells like Jongin.

Sehun settles half on Jongin, half on the mattress. His face is buried into Jongin’s chest, and he hums against it when Jongin lets his fingers run through Sehun's hair softly, over and over again. He wraps his arm around Jongin’s torso, hand clutching a bit tighter than he should, but he still can't quite believe he has this, so he just hopes Jongin doesn't notice or care.

Sehun doesn't want to go back to sleep, although he may look a second away from doing so. It just feels like a great day to laze around in bed. Jongin seems to feel the same way.

“Do you still remember our songs?” The words drag themselves out of Sehun’s mouth, rolling off his tongue. Jongin lets out a small sigh and his free hand reaches for Sehun’s.

“I do.” He brings Sehun's hand to his mouth and presses a kiss to it, gently, pillowy lips so soft against Sehun's skin. And then he brings Sehun’s hand back to where It had been, holding it with the care one holds a diamond. “Why?”

Sehun mildly shakes his head, or attempts to do so in his position. “No reason.” He presses a kiss to Jongin’s naked chest and leaves it at that.

He doesn't expect Jongin to start humming to one of their oldest songs. It's so old and __special__ that it never truly got into an album - maybe because they haven't decided on a concept that would allow the song to fit into it, or maybe because Sehun’s writing has become that much better that what he wrote before doesn't really feel like should be shown to the public anymore.

But Jongin starts singing, voice low and smooth and so, so slow. He sings at his own pace, in the way they used to when they snuck out of class to hang out together, back in high school; in the way Jongin would sing to him when Sehun would find himself sitting by the window at 3am, kept awake by insomnia. He still remembers, how Jongin would pull him closer, settle Sehun between his legs and wrap his arms around him, and sing into his ear, breaking the silence in a peaceful tone.

Jongin sings, and Sehun clutches tighter at him. Once Jongin finishes, he pulls himself up onto his elbows, goes higher on the bed until he can see Jongin’s face from up and can admire the sharp lines of his jaw, the beautiful slope of his lips, his long eyelashes, the way his hair looks good in any way.

And he leans in, presses a kiss to the very tip of Jongin’s nose, and then eskimo kisses him, eliciting a small giggle out of Jongin’s mouth. Jongin's eyelashes flutter and his eyes open, and he has the best look of fondness and love together that Sehun's ever seen, directed at him or not.

“When you smile, sun shines.” Sehun whispers it like it’s a secret, like it isn't a known fact already that Jongin not only has a smile that could light up a whole galaxy, but is also Sehun’s sun. He makes Sehun’s world spin around.)

**Author's Note:**

> there's a lot abt this au that i didn't fit in the story because in my eyes, it wasn't important, but  
> yes, in my interpretation, taemin was/is in love with jongin  
> chanbaek… i don’t even actively ship them, they just fell together as i wrote the fic lol  
> the lotto reference - in my head bbh's referencing to one of their own songs, that sehun wrote, but i couldn't fit that in the fic, oops  
> people aren't perfect and i haven't learned how to deal with that but i tried to work with it along the fic. probably did a shitty job but i guess i'm improving  
> i wrote most of this more than half a year ago - i promise my writing got better with time, but honestly, i didn't feel like rewriting this, and if i'd had to rewrite it, it'd never be posted lmao  
> i'm on twitter and tumblr as @winterjonginnie ^~^


End file.
